rewrite
Please revise those 14 sentences and submit your re-writes with this assignment. With each re-write, briefly (in a few words) describe what you felt was the issue that you corrected in each sentence.
Analyzing and Rewriting Sentences: Activity
Here a several sentences. Most of them can be improved by using the tips presented in this module or in Guffey Chapters 3 and Appendix D1. Review each sentence to identify the areas for improvement. Then rewrite the sentences.
1. When you are asked for anything at any time about your responsibilities for The Los Angeles Times, be careful of telling too much and to give away information that is confidential.
2. It was immediately apparent to anyone who was involved in the issues and others could see that an answer would not be forthcoming regarding this issue of arbitration at this time, or in the future.
3. Attached is a sample of the form which will be used at all times when we have contact with any contractor or potential contractor to document all contacts even if it is just an inquiry or someone who wants information.
4.
These revisions are essentially the same as the preliminary draft, except for the format and the inclusion of Cash Research section telephone extensions which Joan requested.
5. Recent transfers, terminations, and a person on leave of absence has left us thin in staff.
6. A system error caused 3 non-active runs to be excluded in the Year to Date computations. The runs not included are 7, 8 and 9.
7. It is clear and anyone can see that we are paying too much for newsprint.
8.
If after trying the electronic transfer system which is new during the week or weeks after the initiation we find out we are not able to transfer funds promptly then we may be able to convert back to our old method which could be better.
9. The Pasadena Herald was founded late in the 1940s and did not expand rapidly as other newspapers of the period but was growing rapidly by 1960 when we acquired them.
10. Paul Harwood is in need of someone to be available in support of his organization during the month when two members of his staff are taking vacation which is July.
11. In light of our being overstaffed at this time and of our priority planning for cross training and management discussions it is possible we could utilize this opportunity for transitioning of a person now and not later
12. The authorization process of a capital expenditure begins with the needs of a department, for a specific capital asset.
13. Please be aware that when ads are not run on a continuing basis and are prepaid with a credit card, invoices are not sent to customers. If you should so desire an invoice in the future, please make your sales representative aware of this at the time you place your ad.
13. The New accounts Analysis is primarily responsible for making decisions on lines of credit for 350 advertisers a week. Responsibility also addresses first level supervision of 8-10 people, analysis of financial statements and approval of new advertising.
Troubleshooting Your Sentences
The tips given below will help you identify symptoms of structural problems in your sentences, either with clauses, phrases, or a combination.
1. Sentences are longer than three lines.
2. Sentences are longer than 25 words.
3. Paragraphs look long and “dense.”
4. The main point of the sentence is buried in a clause or series of phrases, usually at the end of the sentence.
5. The sentence contains a string of at least three consecutive phrases.
6. The sentences contains a phrase or series of phrases longer than one line.
7. The subject and predicate are separated by a long phrase or clause.
8. The sentence clearly needs commas, but you can’t decide where to put them.
Suggestions for Writing Better Sentences
1. Subject/Verb and main parts of sentence. Locate the main parts of the sentence: subject, predicate, and object or complement.
Ask yourself the following questions.
Are the subject and predicate as exact and powerful as you can make them?
Does the sentence start with the subject and predicate?
If the answer is “no”: Are there too many phrases and clauses before you get to the subject?
Do the most important ideas in the sentence occur at the beginning of the sentence as the subject, predicate, or object? If the most important points are somewhere else in the sentence, consider editing the sentence so the most important information appears early in the sentence.
Is the subject clear, or is it buried in the middle of many clauses and phrases? Can you make the subject clearer?
Are there too many words between the subject and predicate?
Is the predicate in the right voice for your sentence (active or passive)? In the right tense (past, present, future, perfect)? In the right person (first, second, third)?
Do your subject and predicate agree?
Is the verb of your predicate as strong and clear as possible?
2. The Rest of the sentence. Look at the other parts of the sentence.
Is each word, clause, or phrase located next to the word it modifies?
Does every part of the sentence contribute to the overall meaning of the sentence?
Do all the parallel parts (those in lists or connected with coordinating conjunctions) use the same structure (for example, all action verbs, all nouns, all beginning with prepositions, etc.)?
3. General things to look for. Here are some other questions to consider.
Is the language conversational but professional?
Does the document rely on plain language and familiar words?
Can you substitute one word for a phrase or clause?
Are all statements positive (rather than negative)?
Are there any examples of business jargon that you should edit or eliminate?
Is every sentence written so it is bias-free?
4. Now look at how each sentence builds on previous sentences and leads to the next idea.
Does each sentence follow logically from the previous sentence?
Is the connection between sentences clear?
BusinessWriting Workshop
Developing Powerful Sentences
Business Writing Workshop
Developing Powerful Sentences
Introduction
This course has discussed how to capture your ideas, organize them into an effective document, and use those ideas to tell a powerful story. The last important element in successful writing is your mechanical skill: how well you construct and use clear, logical sentences.
A disciplined writer has the ability to write well-crafted sentences with variety and clarity. This session will discuss basic sentence construction, including sentences structure, clauses, and phrases. It will also describe how to troubleshoot your sentences: to recognize and apply techniques for improving your sentences so you say what you mean.
When you complete this session, you will be able to do the following:
· Define the terms “phrase” and “clause” and explain how each is used in sentences.
· Name, define, and give examples of the four types of sentences.
· Define and give examples of dependent and independent clauses.
· Name and give examples of the three types of phrases.
· Uses phrases and clauses as nouns and modifiers in sentences.
· Analyze and rewrite sentences with problems in construction.
· Name symptoms that indicate problems with sentence structure.
Activity
Here are some words in disarray. Use the space below to arrange these words into a logical sentence.
Use only the words that are here and use all of them!
Him stick with the the before chased had big the attacked boy dog that
The Structure of the Sentence
Definition: Sentence
The sentence combines words to express a complete thought. The sentence is the basic structure of written English.
Sentences have two required elements: the subject and the predicate.
1. The subject is the actor or the object of action in the sentence. The subject tells what or whom the sentence is writing about.
Example: The chairman reviewed the report.
2. The predicate is the action or activity of the sentence. The predicate normally tells what the subject is doing or what is happening to the sentence.
Examples: The chairman reviewed the report.
The report was reviewed by the chairman.
In many sentences, the verb requires an object or a complement to complete the thought. The type of verb determines whether the word that completes the sentence is a noun or a modifier.
Example: The chairman reviewed the report.
This answer is incomplete.
Here are some examples of simple sentences.
The managers attended the meeting.
subject predicate direct object
The meeting was held at 4:00.
subject predicate
Margaret did not have the information for her report.
subject predicate
Paul presented a report.
s p
The report was long.
s p
Paul had told me the results.
s p
We adjourned the meeting at 5:45 without a decision.
s p
Modifiers
Many sentences also contain modifiers. Modifiers are words or groups of words that limit or describe elements of the sentence.
Modifiers are either adjectives or adverbs.
Adjectives are words that limit, modifier, or describe a noun.
Adverbs are words that modify all other parts of speech. Adverbs usually answer one of the following questions: when, where, how, in what manner, or to what extent (or degree).
Here are the sentences you read earlier, with modifiers added.
All department managers attended the meeting.
The regular budget review meeting was held at 4:00.
Margaret did not have the correct information for her final progress report.
Paul presented his committee’s project status report.
The preliminary report was too long.
Earlier, Paul had told me the results privately.
We adjourned the long, boring meeting at 5:45 without a decision.
We may create variety in these simple sentences by having a compound subject, a compound predicate, or both. Here are some examples of how you would do that.
Compound Subject: All department managers and supervisors attended the budget review meeting today.
Compound Predicate: The regular budget review meeting was held at 4:00 and, as usual, ran late.
Compound Subject and Predicate: Paul and Elizabeth presented a project status report and answered questions later.
Creating Flexibility in Sentence Structure
Fortunately, English sentences allow us much more flexibility than the simple sentence. This flexibility is based on the use of clauses.
A clause is a group of words with a subject and a predicate. There are two types of clauses:
Independent clauses are sentences. They can stand alone in a paragraph.
Dependent clauses are clauses that are used within the structure of a sentence, as an element in that sentence. Dependent clauses must be part of an independent clause, either as a noun or a modifiere.
Using clauses, we can create four types of sentences:
1. The simple sentence, which contains one independent clause. The simple sentence may have a compound subject, compound predicate, or both.
2. The compound sentence, which has two or more independent clauses.
3. The complex sentence, which contains an independent clause and at least one dependent clause.
4. A compound-complex sentence, which contains at least two independent clauses and at least one dependent clause.
1. The Simple Sentence
We have already talked about the first type of clause, the simple sentence, which contains a subject and a predicate.
2. The Compound Sentence
A compound sentence contains at least two independent clauses connected by a coordinate conjunction. Here are two examples of compound sentences, using the simple sentences we looked at earlier.
The regular budget review meeting was held at 4:00, but Margaret did not have the correct information for her final progress report.
Paul presented his committee’s project status report, but the preliminary report was far too long.
The clauses in compound sentences are usually joined by a conjunction or a transition word.
Conjunctions are words that connect elements of a sentence, like a subject, predicate, clause, or modifier. There are two types of conjunctions: Coordinate conjunctions and subordinate conjunctions.
Coordinate conjunctions connect structures of equal value in the sentence. For example, coordinate conjunctions connect the parts of a compound subject, a compound predicate, two independent clauses, or two equal dependent clauses.
Here is a list of the most common coordinate conjunctions:
also
and
but
n
or
or
yet
A coordinate conjunctions are preceded by a comma when it connects two independent clauses.
Sometimes coordinating conjunctions occur in pairs; these pairs of conjunctions are called correlative conjunctions and join sentence elements of equal value. Here are the most common correlative conjunctions:
both ….. and
either ….. or
if ….. then
neither ….. nor
not only ….. but also
We also have a group of “transitional words” that are used to connect independent clauses. These transitional words are not conjunctions, so they are usually considered part of the second clause.
These are some of the more common examples of these transitional words:
afterwards
indeed
therefore
again
likewise
thus
anyhow
meanwhile
for example
besides
moreover
in any case
eventually
nevertheless
in fact
finally
next
on the contrary
furthermore
perhaps
on the other hand
hence
still
however
then
3. The Complex Sentence
In a complex sentence, a clause replaces a noun, an adjective, or an adverb in the sentence. This type of clause is called a “dependent clause” because it depends on another part of the sentence for its complete meaning. To make sense, the dependent clause must be connected to another clause and relate to a structure in that clause.
Noun Clauses replace nouns in the sentence and may be introduced by a relative pronoun or a subordinate conjunction.
Adjective Clauses are used to modify nouns (or noun clauses) in the sentence. Adjective clauses are usually introduced by a relative pronoun.
Adverb Clauses serve the same function as simple adverbs: they modify verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs. They tell how, when, where, and to what extent an action is performed.
Adverbial clauses may express one of the following ideas: time, place, manner, degree, comparison, purpose, result, condition, concession, or cause.
Subordinate clauses may be introduced by several types of words: subordinate conjunctions or relative pronouns.
Subordinate conjunctions introduce most adverbial clauses and mnay noun clauses. Here are some common subordinate conjunctions:
after
before
since
unless
although
even if
so that
until
as
even though
that
when
as long as
except
than
where
as soon as
if
till
whether
because
provided
though
while
Relative Pronouns introduce some noun and adjective clauses. The most common relative pronouns are who, what, that, which, whoever, whomever, whatever, whichever.
Here are some examples of each type of clause
Noun Clauses
I did not understand that the regular budget review meeting is normally held at 4:00.
Whoever is responsible for the final report makes the interim committee report.
Adjective Clauses
All department managers who attended the budget review meeting today were late getting home
Paul presented his committee’s project staus report, which was too long.
Adverbial Clauses
At 5:45, when we had completed all the items on the agenda, we adjourned the long, boring meeting.
We never adjourn until we have completed all the items on the agenda.
A compound-complex sentence has at least two independent clauses and at least one dependent clause. Here is an example of this type of sentence.
Paul presented his committee’s project status report, but the preliminary report was too long because it contained too much detail.
Examples
Here is an example to show how to use different types of sentences to discuss the same basic information.
1. Simple Sentence
Paul wrote the report yesterday.
2.
Compound Sentence
Paul wrote the report yesterday, and Mary revised it today.
3. Complex Sentences
Noun clause: In the report Paul wrote what he thought the President wanted to hear.
Adjective clause: Yesterday, Paul wrote the report that he hoped would get him a promotion.
Adverb clause: Paul wrote the report yesterday because he had time to work on it.
Paul wrote the report yesterday, but Mary reviewed and revised it before the meeting began.
Writing Various Sentence: Activity
Now it is your turn. Begin with a simple sentence. Then modify that sentence to create each type of sentence.
1. Simple Sentence
2. Compound Sentence
3. Complex Sentences
Noun clause:
Adjective clause:
Adverb clause:
4.
Compound-Complex Sentence
Writing With Clauses: Activity
Now go back to the notes about the Buddy Program (Session 4).
Part I. Take a few minutes and read the sentences about the Buddy Program. Identify all the clauses you can find.
Part II. Work with the other members of your team to combine the information about the Buddy Program into a three to four paragraph memo, using clauses as much as possible. Use the space below for your work.
Phrases
We have discussed how clauses create flexibility in writing. The phrase is a second important structural element in the sentence.
Phrases add variety and depth to sentences and provide you with a range of options for expressing your ideas.
Phrases: Definition
Phrases are groups of related words that do not express a complete idea and have no subject or predicate. A phrase cannot stand alone as an independent grammatical structure; instead, phrases may occur in several positions within a sentence: as nouns and as modifiers. Phrases are often quite short and may contain only two or three words.
There are two types of phrases:
1. Prepositional phrases
2. Verb phrases.
Prepositional Phrases
A preposition is a word that shows a relation between a noun or pronoun (the object of the preposition) and another word in the sentence. Prepositions carry meanings of direction, position, time, cause, source, or other abstractions.
The prepositional phrase consists of the preposition, its object, and any modifiers within the phrase.
Careful selection of a preposition will allow you to be exact in your writing. For example, notice how the sentence below changes its meaning as the preposition changes.
John expected to complete the report around four o’clock.
John expected to complete the report at four o’clock.
John expected to complete the report before four o’clock.
John expected to complete the report after four o’clock.
John expected to complete the report by four o’clock.
John expected to complete the report until four o’clock.
Here is a list of the most common prepositions.
aboard
barring
concerning
mid
save
up
about
before
considering
of
since
upon
above
behind
down
off
through
via
across
below
during
on
throughout
with
after
beneath
except
out
to
within
against
beside(s)
for
outside
toward
without
along
between
from
over
under
among
beyond
in
past
underneath
around
but
inside
pending
until
at
by
into
regarding
unto
Verbal Phrases
Verb forms may be used as nouns, adjectives, and adverbs. These may take several forms:
Verbs with the word “to”: Infinitives (Examples: to go, to think, to report)
Verb forms ending in “ing”: participles and gerunds (Examples: going, thinking, reporting)
Verbs With The Word “To”: Infinitives
The infinitive consists of a verb form that is usually preceded by the word “to”:
To move
To ask
To be
To analyze
To have been
To have seen
Infinitives may be used as nouns, as adjectives, or as adverbs.
As Nouns
To complete
is our priority, even if we have to stay late.
I want to go home.
To err is human; to forgive,
divine.
Her ambition is to write.
We like to write.
As Adjectives
The person to ask is the person who writes the report.
He has a desire to learn.
We asked permission to leave.
As Adverbs
We stopped work to take a coffee break.
I came to listen to the report.
The secretary remained to help.
The letter was ready to mail.
Verb Forms Ending In “Ing”: Participles and Gerunds
Verbs ending with “ing” may be used either as modifiers or as nouns.
Participles are verbs ending in “ing” that are used as modifiers.
Gerunds are verbs ending in “ing” that are used as nouns.
Participles. There are three types of participles: present participle, past participle, and perfect participles.
The present participle represents an incomplete action or an action in progress. For example:
I was surprised to see him working so hard.
The running man did not see the bench until he fell across it.
Seeing the confusion in John’s face, Mark helped him complete the job.
Returning from vacation, he found a stack of work on his desk.
The past participle indicates an action that is complete and usually ends with “d,” “t,” “n,” or “en.”
The customer wanted to review the closed account.
The doctor called to the scene treated the accident victims.
The remodeled house sold for $375,000.
The perfect participle is a verb form used in combination with the verb “have.”
Having completed the report, he asked me to proofread it for him.
Gerunds. A gerund is the present participles used as a noun. Here are some examples.
Painting is her hobby.
He likes traveling in his free time.
Seeing is believing.
Locating Phrases: Activity
Here are some sentences you might write. Locate the phrases in each. Then determine how that phrase functions in the sentence (as a noun or as a modifier).
1. The exercise in writing clear sentences completed the day’s workshop.
2. We are pleased to present this interim report for your consideration.
3. The computer programmers have completed the system testing; they will continue reviewing the data until they understand why the system has a problem generating monthly reports.
4. We presented the financial report to Michael Eisner, Paul Pressler, and the Executive Committee, concluding a long and stressful week for everyone.
5. The question required a long, involved answer, which I was too tired to give him.
Troubleshooting Your Sentences
The tips given below will help you identify symptoms of structural problems in your sentences, either with clauses, phrases, or a combination.
1. Sentences are longer than three lines.
2. Sentences are longer than 25 words.
3. Paragraphs look long and “dense.”
4. The main point of the sentences is buried in a clause, usually at the end of the sentence.
5. The sentence contains a string of at least three consecutive phrases.
6. The sentences contains a phrase or series of phrases longer than one line.
7. The subject and predicate are separated by a long phrase or clause.
8. The sentence clearly needs commas, but you can’t decide where to put them.
Suggestions for Writing Better Sentences
1. Locate the main parts of the sentence: subject, predicate, and object or complement.
Ask yourself:
Are the subject and predicate as exact and powerful as you can make them?
Does the sentence start with the subject and predicate?
If the answer is “no”: Are there too many phrases and clauses before you get to the subject?
Do the most important ideas in the sentence occur in the subject, predicate, or object?
Is the subject clear, or is it buried in the middle of many clauses and phrases? Can you make the subject clearer?
Are there too many words between the subject and predicate?
Is the predicate in the right voice for your sentence (active or passive)? In the right tense (past, present, future, perfect)? In the right person (first, second, third)?
Do your subject and predicate agree?
2. Look at the other parts of the sentence.
Is each word, clause, or phrase located next to the word it modifies?
Does every part of the sentence contribute to the overall meaning of the sentence?
Do all the parallel parts (those in lists or connected with coordinate conjunctions) use the same structure?
3. Look at the word choice in the sentence.
Can you substitute one word for a phrase or clause?
Are statements positive?
Are the verbs as strong as possible?
Are there any examples of business jargon?
4. Now look at how each sentence builds on previous sentences and leads to the next idea.
Does each sentence follow logically from the previous sentence?
Is the connection between sentences clear?
Analyzing and Rewriting Sentences: Activity
Here a several sentences. Most of them can be improved by using the tips presented in this module or in Guffey Chapters 3 and 3. Review each sentence to identify the areas for improvement. Then rewrite the sentences.
1. When you are asked for anything at any time about your responsibilities for The Los Angeles Times, be careful of telling too much and to give away information that is confidential.
2. It was immediately apparent to anyone who was involved in the issues and others could see that an answer would not be forthcoming regarding this issue of arbitration at this time, or in the future.
3. Attached is a sample of the form which will be used at all times when we have contact with any contractor or potential contractor to document all contacts even if it is just an inquiry or someone who wants information.
4. These revisions are essentially the same as the preliminary draft, except for the format and the inclusion of Cash Research section telephone extensions which Joan requested.
5. Recent transfers, terminations, and a person on leave of absence has left us thin in staff.
6. A system error caused 3 non-active runs to be excluded in the Year to Date computations. The runs not included are 7, 8 and 9.
7. It is clear and anyone can see that we are paying too much for newsprint.
8. If after trying the electronic transfer system which is new during the week or weeks after the initiation we find out we are not able to transfer funds promptly then we may be able to convert back to our old method which could be better.
9. The Pasadena Herald was founded late in the
19
40s and did not expand rapidly as other newspapers of the period but was growing rapidly by 1960 when we acquired them.
10. Paul Harwood is in need of someone to be available in support of his organization during the month when two members of his staff are taking vacation which is July.
11. In light of our being overstaffed at this time and of our priority planning for cross training and management discussions it is possible we could utilize this opportunity for transitioning of a person now and not later
12. The authorization process of a capital expenditure begins with the needs of a department, for a specific capital asset.
13. Please be aware that when ads are not run on a continuing basis and are prepaid with a credit card, invoices are not sent to customers. If you should so desire an invoice in the future, please make your sales representative aware of this at the time you place your ad.
13. The New accounts Analysis is primarily responsible for making decisions on lines of credit for 350 advertisers a week. Responsibility also addresses first level supervision of 8-10 people, analysis of financial statements and approval of new advertising.
19
Business Communication
February 18