Discussion 1: Parenting

 

Discussion 1: Parenting

Parenting can be challenging in any family. There are trials and tribulations related to issues such as parenting styles, life, and development stages. In military families, there are often unique challenges to consider. Reflect upon your knowledge about military culture and think about the challenges that can arise.

Review the media,The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families, in which military families talk about the challenges and successes of their parenting experiences during their military lives.

Post an explanation of what resonates most with you about the parenting challenges discussed in the media. How might you discuss the challenges and successes related to parenting with a family member who was seeking support? Explain whether your approach would be different if the individual was a parent or extended family member with custody of the military children, and explain how.

The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families

The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families
Program Transcript

BETSY FLANIGAN: Well, definitely the most challenging were the two times he
went to Vietnam. And the first time that Desmond was sent to Vietnam, our son
had just been born. There certainly was an adjustment period when Desmond
returned from Vietnam. And it was definitely more pronounced in the first few
months.

And again, because we were new parents, and I think Desmond’s expectations
were high, he didn’t realize toddlers don’t understand sometimes what the rules
are. So that kind of thing was very difficult. There were times when they were
upset. They didn’t understand what to do. So that’s where I think we could have
benefit from parenting classes, or at least getting together with other parents. A
support group or something would have been good.

But a lot of the wives complained about the same thing. Because for a full year,
they were the one in charge. They were the ones the children looked up to, the
mothers. But then all of a sudden, Daddy’s home and who do I look at? If they
don’t agree on what the rules are, then where does the child go?

We had a permanent change of station. It meant we were new in the
neighborhood, but half the other people were new also because everybody was
moving. We were all military, going from one post to another. That eased it a little
bit. Certainly, there was some disruption. Children wanted to be with their old
friends.

And each child kind of handled it in a special way, I think. Our oldest son, Colin,
was 1 and 1/2 when we moved to Fort Carson, Colorado. And I brought them to
the army day care center because I had to attend a luncheon. When I came back
after to pick him up, they had promoted him to the three year olds because he
was such a tough player.

I mean, he was strong and competitive. And they said, he doesn’t really belong
with the one-year-olds. So that’s how he coped. And then our second son, Kevin,
he did not want to be a part of that. So he very clearly said– he could express
himself very well– I don’t want to go to the post nursery. So we found a babysitter
to come in, so that was helpful. But each one handled it on their own.

And then, of course, Ann, our daughter, because we were in army quarters, there
were just the three bedrooms. So that meant there were two boys and then a girl
in the one room. And the boys were in bunk beds and Ann was in a little cot
beside them. So their favorite thing was to jump from the top bunk bed on top of
Ann.

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The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families

Well, so she giggled and liked it because she knew she was going to have a turn
and she’d get to go to the top bunk bed and jump on them. So that was how she
grew up tough. Again, because there wasn’t much of a difference– if you’re on
post, you’re not singled out like everybody else. If you had to go to a civilian
community and you’re the only military, I guess that would be a difference. But if
everybody’s the same and you’re altogether, then it’s not a huge adjustment.

I think the different roles of being a mother and the head of the household for a
while– and then when Desmond comes home and being a wife, and a mother,
and a co-parent– so that’s the tricky part. And I think for me, I envisioned, what I
expected was oh, good. Now, I’m no longer in charge. I don’t want to be the bad
guy that the children look– now we can have two of us, two against three.

But when he came home, it wasn’t quite that way because he didn’t understand
my rules, and he again, was much stricter. So there was a conflict there. So that
was a very difficult time and I don’t think the children knew how to handle it, and
nor did I. But I’ve always liked the role of being the heart of the household and
the husband being the head of the household. That does not mean that he gives
orders to me.

I liked that part, that he was in charge. That was fine. As long as he allowed me
full say, which he did. But we disagreed on how strict to be. I think that was our
biggest thing.

KRISTIN WILKINSON: Our oldest daughter, Britney, my stepdaughter, has a
chronic medical condition. She was born with respiratory papillomas. And she
required multiple, multiple surgeries since she was an infant. If Michael had been
home and he wasn’t deployed, it would’ve been easier to probably follow through
on the speech therapy, to follow through on the surgeries, and to practice
because she had that bond with him already.

So it made it very, very challenging to try and put the rules together. It was my
responsibility to put the rules down, try to encourage her to do things. And when
Michael wasn’t home, she tried to rebel against them. But then when Michael
was home, I tried to ask him to also enforce the rules. And because he was
deployed for so long and didn’t want to deal with rules, he often ignored them as
well.

So the whole entire time, we’re out in deployment, and even his in-and-out’s that
he would take, I was the proverbial bad guy. And it was challenging. And it made
it very difficult transition with Britney and I. But I think we really worked through it.

To share a story of how far Britney and I had come– from the point where she
did not want to pay attention to the things I was doing when we first got together
and going through those deployments, to the time she graduated high school–
her biological mother had come out to see her graduation. And she pulled me

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The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families

aside the morning of her graduation and said, I just want you to know, I know I’m
going to have some pictures with me and my dad, I hope that doesn’t make you
feel bad. I really want you to know that you really are my mom.

And it was very telling. So I don’t think that if we didn’t go through some of the
things that we went through– and it was really hard going through deployment.
We really worked through it and we really became a stronger family. She and I
became a stronger mother and daughter.

The Challenges of Parenting in Military Families
Additional Content Attribution

Images used with permission of Kristin Wilkinson.

Flanigan , D. (n.d.). Flanigan Images [Photographs]. Images used with
permission of Desmond Flanigan.

MUSIC:
Creative Support Services
Los Angeles, CA

Dimension Sound Effects Library
Newnan, GA

Narrator Tracks Music Library
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Signature Music, Inc
Chesterton, IN

Studio Cutz Music Library
Carrollton, TX

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