Revise an Argumentative Research Essay

Review the in-text comments and summary feedback you received on your draft to enhance your writing.  

Review the in-text comments and summary feedback you received on your Touchstone 3.2 draft to enhance your writing. You will then submit a revision of your Touchstone 3.2 draft that reflects the evaluator’s feedback.

DIRECTIONS: Refer to the list below throughout the writing process. Do not submit your Touchstone until it meets these guidelines.

1. Editing and Revising

❒ Have you significantly revised the essay by adjusting areas like organization, focus, and clarity?

❒ Have you made comprehensive edits to word choice, sentence variety, and style?

❒ Have your edits and revisions addressed the feedback provided by your evaluator?

2. Cohesion and Source Integration

❒ Is the information presented in a logical order that is easy for the reader to follow?

❒ Have you included smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs?

❒ Have you introduced your sources clearly and in a way that demonstrates their validity to the reader?

3. Conventions and Proofreading

❒ Have you double-checked for correct formatting, grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization?

❒ Have you ensured that any quoted material is represented accurately?

4. Reflection

❒ Have you displayed a clear understanding of the revision process?

❒ Have you answered all reflection questions thoughtfully and included insights, observations, and/or examples in all responses?

❒ Are your answers included on a separate page below the composition?

B. Reflection Questions

DIRECTIONS: Below your assignment, include answers to all of the following reflection questions.

How much time did you spend revising your draft? What revision strategies did you use and which worked best for you? (2-3 sentences)

List three concrete revisions that you made and explain how you made them. What problem did you fix with each of these revisions? Issues may be unity, cohesion, rhetorical appeals, content, or any other areas on which you received constructive feedback. (4-5 sentences)

What did you learn about your writing process or yourself as a writer? How has your understanding of the research process changed as a result of taking this course? (2-3 sentences)

EnglishII – Touchstone 3.2 Draft an Argumentative Research Essay

Introduction

COVID

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9 has changed the world dynamics in many ways. This disease has negatively impacted the world health system and has also affected the global education system. Though the precautionary measures administered, such as social distancing, have helped control the spread of the disease, but it has altered the social life patterns. It has shown a profound impact on the present and future of the education system. According to the UNESCO report, the nationwide termination of educations institutes has obstructed over 60% of the world’s learners populace, with approximately 1.53 billion learners out of learning institutes (UNESCO, 2020). Many academics believe that with the current circumstance, the drop-out rate of students across the globe will increase shortly because of the disruption in the system. Though many parents and institutes are still in denial of the changes that have occurred due to the pandemic, the studies show that the pandemic has altered the current education system. These changes are now shaping the learning system of the future. Comment by Ryan: Indent the first line of each paragraph. Comment by Ryan: Using both “Though” and “but” makes the grammar of the sentence unclear. It looks like one of these can be omitted.
See the tips here: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/independent_and_dependent_clauses/index.html Comment by Ryan: You are starting to move toward an argumentative thesis; however, you are still primarily reporting information here. Remember that your thesis should be debatable. If readily available information shows that the educational system has been impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic, then this is not an arguable thesis.
When you state that these changes are shaping the future, you are leaning toward a thesis that could be arguable. In order to make this into an arguable thesis statement, you will need to make it specific. What specific impacts will these changes have on future learning?
Review the ways that the example thesis statements on the following page make specific points about “Why” and “How” something will happen. See the examples under “Narrowed debatable thesis 1” and “Narrowed debatable thesis 2” here: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/establishing_arguments/index.html

Education System during Pandemic:

The recent survey shows that around 22 countries in three continents have closed their learning system on local and state levels because of COVID 19, and such massive disruption has pushed the educators and institutions to opt for new means of education such as online learning, and instructional tutoring (UNESCO, 2020). However, such means of education has also exposed other crucial factors such as inconsistent resources allocation, social and economic differences prevailing among the society as indicated by the study (Harris, 2014). 2015, survey conducted by the National Centre for Education Statistics indicated that 38% of the families living in the United States didn’t have the internet access because of which their children were unable to utilize online learning material, this survey also pointed that the availability of technological tools for online learning was at a higher percentage in urban and suburban areas as compared to remote rural or distant rural areas, where access to broadband was 60% less. Apart from the social difference and resource allocations, study (Berkman, 2008) also suggests that school closure is associated with a high economic cost, as parents, daycare workers, and teachers are absent from their work, which creates stress state social security funds and health system. Comment by Ryan: “2015” seems out of place here. Are you saying that this occurred “In 2015”? Comment by Ryan: Avoid connecting complete sentences with a comma alone.
See the examples here: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/independent_and_dependent_clauses/index.html Comment by Ryan: The grammar here is confusing. Consider using the author’s name as part of the sentence.
Berkman (2008) suggests…
See the tips on the pages linked below.
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/apa_style/apa_formatting_and_style_guide/in_text_citations_the_basics.html
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/apa_style/apa_formatting_and_style_guide/in_text_citations_author_authors.html

(Lee, 2020) suggest school closure impact all communities in a system. Still, children with special needs are the most affected, as it impacts their learning capabilities and compromises their nutritional facilities. (Lee, 2020) The survey, which included 2111 participants from the UK, indicated that 83% of participants feel that school closure has worsened their child’s condition. Comment by Ryan: Why is this important? When you refer to a survey or a study, explore its significance for your reader.

Furthermore, with home tutoring and online learning system, the economic cost per family tends to increase, as parents are required to spend time with their children, rather than working. Based on the Current Population Survey’s calculations, there is a 12% population in the United States who have no spouse and are the sole caretakers of the family and their kids. Therefore, school closure would imply that 12% of the population have to leave their jobs to care for their children, which will eventually burden up the state unemployment insurance and decrease the per/capita income.

Through technological intervention in the education system is not just because of COVID 19, it has been in practice since the last decade. The research on educational technology reveals that 18.66 billion dollars were invested in the field in 2019 (Hew, 2019), and the market for ed-technology is anticipated to reach $350 billion by 2025. However, COVID 19 is the reason for the significant surge for technological intervention in the current education field. Through technological intervention has become a lifeline for the learning system during the pandemic, factors such as unequal technological resource distribution, and access to educational material are limiting the current learning process. Comment by Ryan: Is this the word you intend to use here? Comment by Ryan: Is this number also presented by Hew (2019)? If so, place the parenthetical citation at the end of the sentence. If not, include the citation for this number.

The changes in the current education system to cover the learning loss are not short-termed; instead, these changes shape the future of the learning system. Comment by Ryan: In what ways? Be more specific. This seems to be your main idea, but you haven’t spelled it out for the reader yet.

Impact of COVID 19 on Future education system:

Considering the current changes in the education system about COVID 19, many educationists like Sandy Mackenzie, Director of Copenhagen International School, believe that the future of the education system will depend solely on technology. However, some educationists consider this shift unplanned and abrupt, resulting in untrained teachers, insufficient bandwidth, and chaos. At the same time, some believe that such changes will create a new fusion model of education that will offer significant benefits to the learners and the community. According to Vice President of Tencent Education (Huang, 2020), “the incorporation of technology in the current education system will, in the long run, become a vital part of the school education system.” However, the significant impact that COVID 19 will have on the future learning system will be highlighted from the parent to institution perspective. To survey the impact, the learning system has been divided into four factors, the institutes, families, assessment systems, and the students. Comment by Ryan: This is an unusual word choice. Comment by Ryan: If you are citing Sandy Mackenzie directly, include the year of publication for the source inside parentheses after you type the name. If you are citing another source, include the relevant citation. Comment by Ryan: Include the page or paragraph number when you cite the exact words of a source. Comment by Ryan: Are you organizing your thesis statement around these four factors? If so, express them directly in your thesis.

COVID 19 Impact on future learning institutions:

The significance of tangible learning institutes cannot be neglected, but COVID 19 is changing this perspective by changing the means of education. Past research conducted on the impact of school absence suggests that regular school attendance is connected to student accomplishment and future professional prospects (Malcolm, 2003). Therefore, regular school attendance is significant for improvement in the learning abilities of a child. Though the impact of absence from school due to COVID 19 has not yet been established, past studies suggest that an increase of 10 days of schooling improves the cognitive learning skills by 1% of the standard deviation (Carlsson, 2015). Based on the findings of the study, it can be concluded that the loss of almost 14 weeks of schooling due to a pandemic will result in a 7% loss of learning capabilities in the students (Carlsson, 2015). Though distance learning has become a solution to school absence during the pandemic, educationists believe that getting accustomed to the new education system will take a lot of time and patience from the student and the parents. Comment by Ryan: You effectively focus on making a single point regarding the potential impact of COVID 19 on education in the future. This is a model of a strong supporting paragraph. However, the end of the paragraph should connect the dots back to the idea that this will consequently impact education in the future. How will it do so? Explain.

COVID 19 Impact Future Families:

(Björklund, 2011) Families are an essential factor in the learning process, and their educational background and achievements are directly and positively linked with the child’s education. COVID 19 has pushed the learning system to shift from traditional schooling to home-schooling, which is considered the most effective and safe learning method. Still, it has shifted the roles of parents from facilitators to providers. In the traditional learning system, a parent was a facilitator or mere helper to their kids, as they either helped their children in practicing the questions and relating them with day to day activities. However, with the infiltration of technology and online learning system, a parent has become the driver of the whole system, even though in the presence of tutors and online resources material. Comment by Ryan: According to whom? Comment by Ryan: Good point.

In the shorter run, parents’ changed role will cover up the learning loss of the student, but in the future, such practice cannot be generalized for the whole population. Continuing with the online learning system in the future will create learning inequality in societies. The case study (Björklund, 2011) on the difference between the conventional education system and home-schooling indicates a considerable variance between the time dedicated by the parents, their cognitive skills, and the resources available. Such variance will eventually enhance the disparity in human capital growth. Comment by Ryan: Interesting! Explain the future impact in more detail, because this is the main point of your argument.

COVID 19 Impacts on the Future Assessment System:

Demonstration of understanding a particular subject is a critical factor in the learning process, and it helps in assessing whether the educational goals are being met or not. Assessment systems not just help in evaluation, but also aid in determining the professional position of the individual in the market. The recent outbreak of COVID 19 has affected the educational system’s assessment process, and many inter and intra college level evaluations have been canceled. This cancellation has not just obstructed the flow of information about the learner’s performance but has congested the opportunity for many students to pursue their higher education. Comment by Ryan: Document these points with citations.

Like the shift in the learning system from conventional to online, the future assessment system has also been changed due to the pandemic. Many institutions are now opting for an online assessment system for their future valuations, which will offer benefits such as easy access, paper, and resource-saving. Still, on the other hand, it will create many obstructions in the process of future evaluation. By shifting to an online evaluation system, the teacher will be required to devise assessment strategies that could restrict the students from copying or searching, hence more burdens will be placed on the teachers. Furthermore, since the devised assessment strategies would be unique for every student, it will require to be checked thoroughly by the teachers, which again will become a strenuous task for them (Arkorful, 2015). Comment by Ryan: How many institutions are doing so? How do you know?

It has been observed that online assessments are more vulnerable to deception, making the whole system doubtable and un-credible. The study (Piopiunik, 2020) shows that most companies employ grade classification and educational achievement as a benchmark for hiring. With a non-credible and vulnerable assessment system, the effectiveness of such classification will decrease and have a negative impact on the labor market. This will further impact the growth rate in the earning and will amplify the rate of job separation, which in turn will burden up the whole economic system of the society and individuals. Comment by Ryan: This sentence is very strangely worded. Revise this sentence.

COVID 19 Impacts on Future Students:

Students are at the core of learning systems, and COVID 19 has negatively affected their learning and mental capabilities. According to Dr. Tony Wagner Co-director of Harvard’s Change leadership, the current change in the education system is compelling students to change their perspective towards learning. Comment by Ryan: How are these students’ perspectives changing? You introduce this point clearly, but you haven’t developed it fully.

Every institute is making an effort to survive and thrive during the pandemic by collaborating and pushing the factors involved in the learning system. These include parents, institutes, evaluation systems, and, most importantly, students. Many educationists such as the head of OECD Andreas Schleicher consider the pandemic as an opportunity for learning, as according to him all the obstruction present in traditional learning system have been omitted, and now students recognize ways that were earlier not acknowledged. Comment by Ryan: This point is unclear. What is the main point you are making in this paragraph, and how does it relate to your overall thesis?

On the other hand, some educationists believe that though COVID 19 has made the learner independent, it has also highlighted the limitations attached to the future education system (Burgess, 2020). The pandemic will create education inequalities among future learners because of the variance in the educational background of parents, resource availability, and technical knowledge of the learner themselves. Furthermore, the mental impact of social distancing and isolation will create a cognitive problem for future students and eventually impact their learning abilities. Educationist believes that post-COVID 19 the students are required to be self-motivated and resourceful to achieve higher educational accomplishments. Comment by Ryan: Is this your overall argument in this essay? If so, clarify it in your introductory paragraph, and connect the dots back to this point in each of your supporting paragraphs.

Conclusion:

The facts and figures presented in the essay support the thesis that COVID 19 has changed the dynamic of the current and future education system. Before, the pandemic it was the World Wars that globally shut down the education system and changed the whole learning scenario, but now this particular health crisis has impacted not just the current system. Still, its impacts can be far seen in the future. The crises have also created new and unique opportunities for the education system and have highlighted the limitation that has persisted in society but has never been discussed.

The foreseen change in the education system cannot be avoided, but it can be managed by preparing the factors involved. Educationist and institutions should focus on the limitation of the new proposed education system, and then devise strategies that could cover up the constraints.

Reflection:

There are many places in the essay where fundamental facts and figure from past studies and survey have been presented to support the argument that COVID 19 has changed the present and future of education”, for example under the heading “COVID 19 impact on future students” numerical factual data about the number of students who have been affected is given, which shows that logical, rhetorical appeal has been employed. By offering factual and numerical data in my essay, the essay’s credibility and understanding have been improved. Comment by Ryan: Is this a quotation?

Credible and informative feedback would help in revising the essay. Yes, there are certainly heading in the draft that I am uncertain of because they do not specify the tone of the topic, and neither provides the reader with a final suggestion or evidence. Comment by Ryan: It’s difficult to understand this sentence. I hope that my feedback above it helpful!

References
Arkorful, V. &. (2015). The role of e-learning, advantages, and disadvantages of its adoption in higher education. International Journal of Instructional Technology and Distance Learning.
Berkman, B. E. (2008). Mitigating pandemic influenza: the ethics of implementing a school closure policy. Journal of Public Health Management and Practice.
Björklund, A. &. (2011). Education and family background: Mechanisms and policies. In Handbook of the Economics of Education. Elsevier.
Burgess, S. &. (2020). Schools, skills, and learning: The impact of COVID-19 on education. VoxEu.
Carlsson, M. D. (2015). The effect of schooling on cognitive skills. Review of Economics and Statistics,
Harris, K. (2014). Effects of Resource Allocation on Student Academic Achievement and Self-Perceptions of Success in an Urban Setting. The Dominican University of California.
Hew, K. F. (2019). Where is the “theory” within the field of educational technology research? British Journal of Educational Technology.
Huang, R. H. (2020). Handbook on facilitating flexible learning during educational disruption: The Chinese experience maintaining undisrupted learning in COVID-19 Outbreak. Beijing: Beijing: Smart Learning Institute of Beijing Normal University.
Lee, J. (2020). Mental health effects of school closures during COVID-19. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health.
Malcolm, H. W. (2003). Absence from school: A study of its causes and effects in seven LEAs. The SCRE Centre University of Glasgow.
Piopiunik, M. S. (2020). Skills, signals, and employability: An experimental investigation. European Economic Review.
UNESCO. (2020). COVID-19 educational disruption and response. Paris: UNESCO.
UNESCO. (2020). Reopening schools: When, where, and how? UNESCO.

Touchstone 3.2 Rubric and Feedback
Rubric Category	Feedback	Score (acceptable, needs improvement etc.)
Argument Development and Support	You are starting to develop an argument, but your argument doesn’t begin to become clear until late in the paper. In the introduction, you mention that the pandemic will impact education in the future, but you don’t specify how it will do so until several pages later. To improve your approach to the essay, specify specifically and precisely how the impact of the pandemic on education now will change education in the future. At a few points in the essay, you indicate that it will “create education inequalities among future learners because of the variance in the educational background of parents, resource availability, and technical knowledge of the learner themselves.” If this is your main idea, state it earlier in the essay. Draw additional connections back to this main idea in the body paragraphs. See the example argument structure here: https://depts.washington.edu/owrc/Handouts/Argumentative%20Paper%20Format	28/40
Research	You are on the right track with your use of sources. A few points in your essay still require citations, and some citations should be adjusted as noted in my comments directly on your text.	21/30
Organization	Your ideas are generally organized. However, as noted above, your thesis should be made more specific and additional connections should be drawn between the supporting paragraphs and that thesis statement. Additionally, you can clarify your counterargument. If you argue one position on the topic, consider how someone might argue the opposite in your counterargument paragraph. Demonstrate why that perspective would be mistaken.	11/15
Style	The style of writing in this essay is generally acceptable; however, a number of unusual and unclear expressions appear in the text.	3/5
Conventions	There are a few significant errors in the text. Review your document for typos as well as grammatical errors.	3/5
Reflection	The reflection is somewhat unclear. In particular, your response to the second question is difficult to understand.	2/5
Overall Score and Feedback: 68/100 Hi Peter! You are on the right track here, and you have made improvements to your previous draft. The primary way to improve your essay as you move forward is to continue to highlight your one main argument throughout the essay. Make your thesis statement more specific in the introductory paragraph, and draw very clear connections back to that thesis throughout the supporting paragraphs. Make sure to “connect the dots” for your reader. Please see my notes directly on your text above. I look forward to reading your revised essay!

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