Home Week Two: Reference List Chart

Week Two: Reference List Chart

Overview of Conflict Issue Project

The candidate will select an issue directly related to conflict resolution, write a paper and present a professional PowerPoint presentation appropriate for faculty in-service, parents, students, administrators, at conferences, or related venues that gives an overview of the topic, summary of the key issues surrounding the topic, and a strategic plan utilizing the conflict resolution strategies and skills presented throughout the course in the textbook and scholarly journal articles. This project is designed to give the candidate an opportunity to present a training for a targeted audience that deals with helping the audience utilize the conflict resolution strategies that have been gleaned from the course. It would be highly beneficial to select a topic that the candidate is familiar with through observations within the professional or personal settings. Candidates will be required to utilize at least 15 scholarly sources and will not be permitted to use direct quotes on the outline, paper, or presentation. This project will consist of 1 of 4 sections:

· Reference List Chart

· Outline

· Paper

· Presentation

Overviewof Conflict Issue Project

· Reference List Chart (Reference:

http://www.creativeconflictresolution.org/

)

· Outline

· Paper

· Presentation

Reference List Chart

Submit this assignment by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on Sunday of Module/Week 2 on Jan 26, 2020

Outline

Submit this assignment by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on Sunday of Module/Week 4 on Feb 9, 2020

Paper

Submit this assignment by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on Sunday of Module/Week 5 on Feb 16, 2020

Presentation

Submit this assignment by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on Sunday of Module/Week 7 on Mar 1, 2020

EDUC 746

CIP: Reference List Chart Assignment Instructions

Overview

Reference List Chart Assignment

1. Select a topic for the Conflict Issue Project (CIP).

2. Download the Reference List Chart Template from Blackboard.

3. Use the Jerry Falwell Library (JFL) to research your selected topic.

4. Identify at least 15 articles on your selected topic that have been published within the last five years.

5. Complete the Reference List Chart Template.

6. The Main Points of the Article section needs to include at least three bulleted main ideas gleaned from the article that assists in developing the overview of the topic, key issues surrounding the topic, and/or conflict resolution strategies to utilize in the outline, paper, and/or presentation.

Submit your CIP: Reference List Chart Template by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on Sunday of the Module/Week 2.

Running head: REFERENCE LIST CHART 1

REFERENCE LIST CHART 9

Reference List Chart

Author

EDUC 746 Conflict Resolution

Reference List Chart

Conflict Issues Project Proposed Topic; _____________________________________________

Title of Article

Authors

Year of Publication

Topic of Article

Intended Audience

Main Points of Article

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References

Include all articles included in this assignment adhering to APA standards.

CIP: Reference List Chart Grading Rubric

0 points

Not present

Advanced

Proficient

Developing

Not present

0 points

Not present

Criteria	Levels of Achievement
Content 70%		Advanced		Proficient	Developing	Not present
Title of Article, Authors, and Year of Publication	10 points All parts of the chart are complete with the title of the article, authors, and year of publication. All articles are published within 5 years.	9 points All parts of the chart are complete with the title of the article, authors, and year of publication. At least 12 of the 15 articles are published within 5 years.	1 to 8 points Most of the parts of the chart are complete with the title of the article, authors, and year of publication. Fewer than 12 articles are published within 5 years.		0 points Not present
Topic of Article and Intended Audience	10 points All topics of the articles and intended audience sections are identified on the chart for at least 15 references.	9 points All topics of the articles and intended audience sections are identified on the chart for at least 14 references.	1 to 8 points All topics of the articles and intended audience sections are identified on the chart for 13 or fewer references.
CIP Proposed Topic and Main Points of Article	33 to 35 points Candidate identifies a topic for the CIP and fully explains three main points from each article utilizing bullet points or complete sentences. The main ideas identified address the proposed CIP topic and assists in developing the overview of the topic, key issues surrounding the topic, and/or conflict resolution strategies to utilize in the outline, paper, and/or presentation.	30 to 32 points Candidate identifies a topic for the CIP and fully explains three main points from each article utilizing bullet points or complete sentences. The main ideas identified mostly address the proposed CIP topic and assists in developing the overview of the topic, key issues surrounding the topic, and/or conflict resolution strategies to utilize in the outline, paper, and/or presentation.	1 to 29 points Candidate identifies a topic for the CIP and fully explains three main points from each article utilizing bullet points or complete sentences. The main ideas identified somewhat address the proposed CIP topic and assists in developing the overview of the topic, key issues surrounding the topic, and/or conflict resolution strategies to utilize in the outline, paper, and/or presentation.	0 points Not present
Structure 30%
Mechanics, Sentence Structure, Template, and Reference Page	19 to 20 points Candidate utilizes the provided template. The writing is free of errors. Reference section is correctly formatted.	17 to 18 points Candidate utilizes the provided template. The writing has less than two errors. Reference section is correctly formatted with less than two errors.	1 to 16 points Candidate utilizes the provided template. The writing has more than two errors. Reference section is correctly formatted with more than two errors.

C hap t er on e

The Mindful Practitioner

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

Upon successful completion of this chapter, you will be able to:

• Nurture higher levels of mindfulness using strategies such as breathing exercises,

meditation, reflecting, and journaling.

• Identify the core values and ethical principles that inform conflict resolution
practice.

• Assess your own conflict resolution styles, as well as those of the people you are
working with.

• Use basic listening, questioning, and assertion skills to facilitate conflict- related
discussions.

The key distinction between helping professionals and lay helpers is that professionals make
deliberate choices about how to intervene based on their discipline’s knowledge, ethics,
and value bases. This applies equally for conflict resolution. Conflict is pervasive in human
interaction; thus, everyone is constantly involved in conflict resolution (CR). Some people
have a natural aptitude for CR; others learn their CR skills through normal socialization
processes (e.g., following family and cultural norms; learning how to behave in school).
Because CR professionals are not unique in their use of CR, their advantage (if any)1 lies in
their ability to use themselves consciously: being mindful of their thoughts, feelings, values,
and motivations; learning from each situation; and strategically drawing from CR theory,
skills, values, and ethics (Furlong, 2005). As the proverb suggests, “The road to hell is paved
with good intentions.” Self- awareness and the deliberate use of evidence- based strategies

1 Be careful about assuming that a professional is the best one to intervene in a conflict situation. In many cir-
cumstances, the parties do not trust professionals as much as others in their social systems (friends, family
members, neighbors, etc.). Although this text focuses on roles of professional helpers, community develop-
ers and educators may be interested in how to instill conflict resolution skills and principles within a com-
munity context (Kirst- Ashman & Hull, 2015).

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford
University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771.
Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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24 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

are vital to ensuring that the effects of our actions are
consistent with our good intentions (Schirch, 2013).

In this chapter, we focus on mindfulness, the continual
process of being self- aware, alert, attentive, thoughtful,
observant, focused, responsive, engaged, and reflective
(Gross, 2014). The first section, “Being Mindful,” describes
ways in which we can incorporate mindfulness in all
aspects of our lives, professional and nonprofessional, in

times of conflict and in times of peace. By making mindfulness a way of being rather than a state
that one turns on and off for particular purposes, we are not only poised and ready to respond
to conflict: We are constantly striving toward the ideals of peace, respect, mutual understanding,
and patience. We may experience lapses in mindfulness and these ideals. Yet we also have the
capacity to self- correct and move on. The second section, “Value and Ethics,” highlights the com-
mon values among CR professionals and identifies areas of disagreement among CR profession-
als. The third section, “Conflict Styles,” provides a framework for analyzing your predominant
orientation toward dealing with conflict. The fifth section, “Basic Skills,” describes communica-
tion skills that are fundamental to all modes of CR: listening, questioning, and making state-
ments. Although these skills are common to all helping professions, the examples provided are
specific to conflict situations. Your challenge is to integrate these skills with the values and theo-
ries presented throughout this volume. As Figure 1.1 illustrates, your ability to make deliberate
choices depends on your mindfulness, including your ability to reflect on the conflict situation,
your emotions and thoughts, and those of others involved in the conflict. As you read on and
participate in the exercises, leave yourself time to reflect on what you have learned and consider
how these new insights relate to your personal and professional experiences with conflict.

Mindfulness

Theory Skills

ValuesSituation: Self and Other(s)

FIGURE 1.1. Mindfulness Star

BEING MINDFUL

Dalai Lama XIV of Tibet (n.d.) explains, “When we have inner peace, we can be at peace
with those around us.”2 Although the Dalai Lama is speaking from a spiritual perspective,

2 Another saying suggests, “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with
it” (source unknown).

If you have a conflict, make sure

it’s big enough to matter, and

small enough to do something

about it. —Anonymous

The Mindful Practitioner 25

neuroscience confirms the link between our ability to obtain inner peace and our ability
to create peace with others. Brain studies have shown that the rational, thinking parts of
the brain operate most effectively when people are at ease. When people experience stress,
threat, or shame, the autonomic nervous system tends to take over from the frontal lobes
of the brain. Unconsciously, the body produces more adrenaline and cortisol, limiting
blood flow to areas of the brain where rational thought processes take place (Beausoleil &
LeBaron, 2013). Thus, emotions such as anxiety, fear, and embarrassment can hijack the
brain. When people feel backed into a corner, for instance, they tend to fall back on primitive
instincts, such as fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fret (Lightman, 2004). From an evolutionary
perspective, instincts such as fight or flight promoted survival. In a civilized society, however,
these instincts may impede handling conflict more effectively. Mindfulness is a key to self-
empowerment. As we become more aware of ourselves and automatic responses to stress
and conflict, we learn to regulate our cognitive, emotional, and behavioral responses (Gross,
2014). Rather than “fight fire with fire,” for instance, we can take a step back to reflect on the
situation and consider more creative ways of responding: applying water to extinguish the
fire, wearing fire- retardant clothes for protection, or working with the fire to cook a meal.3 We
can use mindfulness to facilitate insight and plan for deliberate action (Galluccio, 2015). We
can take the energy from irritation, anxiety, or other emotions and channel it into construc-
tive communication, problem solving, or other CR processes (Smyth, 2012).

Neurological research suggests that mindfulness practices retrain the brain (Holzel
et al., 2010). Although the brain develops most quickly during infancy and childhood, the
neural paths we develop early in life can change. In fact, you can teach an older person new
thoughts, behaviors, and ways to respond to emotions. Neuroscientists refer to the capacity
of the brain to learn, grow, and change as its plasticity (Siegel, 2010). As CR professionals,
we can take advantage of this malleability by retraining our brain regarding how to respond
to a broad range of emotions that may arise during conflict situations.

Mindfulness is about being present in the moment, attending to the here and now,
understanding the historical and current context, being aware of our strengths and resources,
anticipating the future, and being poised and ready to respond to various types of conflict.
Mindfulness helps us manage distractions and focus on what is happening in the moment
(Goleman, 2013). Mindfulness helps us pay attention in a purposeful and nonjudgmental
manner (Bodhi, 2011; Young, 2011). We may have beliefs and values, but we do not cling
to them as our source of security and salvation (Hamilton, 2013). Mindfulness involves
attending to one’s thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and motivations (Smyth, 2012).
Mindfulness practice leads to increases in gray matter density in brain regions involved in
learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self- referential processing, and per-
spective taking, abilities that facilitate effective CR (Holzel et al., 2010; S. Goldberg, Sander,
Rogers, & Cole, 2012). Research suggests that mindful people are more flexible, as they
have the capacity to recognize multiple options rather than rely on old habits or automatic
responses. Research also suggests that mindful people tend to be more satisfied with their
conflicts and relationships (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013). Further, mindfulness leads to

3 To avoid automatic (and potentially negative) reactions to triggers, we can use strategies that delay reaction
and provide time to develop more positive responses. Rather than fleeing (mentally or physically), we can
ask for a time out and then come back after a period of debriefing with a colleague. Rather than fainting (or
responding in a befuddled manner), we can let the person know that we need more time to settle down and
think through the situation. Rather than freezing, we can restate what the other person has just said, giving
us time to think about how to respond. Rather than fretting (or obsessing), give ourselves a reasonable time
to process the situation and then move onto other issues (Lightman, 2004).

26 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

lower levels of stress, depression, and dysfunctional attitudes (Teasdale, Williams, & Segal,
2014; Young, 2011).

So how does one become mindful, or perhaps more accurately, how does one heighten
and maintain mindfulness? We are all born with a capacity for mindfulness, a capacity that
can be nurtured and enhanced. Being mindful is an ongoing process (Friedman, 2014).
Mindfulness is not about using a single technique when the need arises, although the use of
various techniques may contribute to mindfulness: meditation, reflection, self- messaging,
and spirituality. Each of these techniques may be used to foster our capacity for mindful-
ness, a capacity that we should strive to use throughout the day, every day.

Meditation

My work in CR began as a volunteer mediator for the Brooklyn Mediation Center in the
1980s. Clients often asked what type of meditation we practiced and we had to explain that
we provided mediation not meditation. Now that mindfulness has been found to be an inte-
gral process for CR practitioners, the question about the type of meditation we practiced
might be answered in a different manner. Broadly speaking, meditation refers to a process of
training the mind or transforming one’s consciousness for the purpose of developing higher levels
of concentration, enlightenment, clarity, compassion, calmness, or inner peace (Chodron, 2013;
https:// thebuddhistcentre.com). In our everyday lives, we experience a broad array of dis-
tractions, complications, and demands. Engaging in meditation provides us with a special
time and place to breathe, quiet the mind, and be in solitude (Warren, Klepper, Lambert,
Nunez, & Williams, 2011). By nurturing more lucid awareness, meditation helps us to be
more attuned with our thoughts and feelings, preparing us for handling challenges that may
arise in our personal and professional lives. We learn to be in the moment, embracing the
moment rather than judging or struggling with it.

Regarding CR, meditation prepares us to be in the moment— responsive, nonjudg-
mental, and intentional— when interacting with others (Coates, 2015; Hamilton, 2013).
As negotiators, meditation can help us respond to others with clear and self- assured minds,
rather than with fear or defensiveness. As mediators, meditation can help us become neu-
tral observers, listening to each side without becoming biased or emotionally sidetracked.
As advocates, meditation can help us relate to the perspectives of each stakeholder and
develop strategies that take these perspectives into account.

There are a variety of styles of meditation including Mindfulness/ Vipassana, Zen,
Tibetan, and yoga (Hamilton, 2013; Soler et al., 2014). Although many forms of medita-
tion are derived from Buddhist philosophies and contemplative methods (Gross, 2014),
meditation practices have long existed in other cultures and religions. Prayer, for example,
may act as a form of mediation, fostering positive beliefs and mindsets. Meditation prac-
tices were not given much credence in medicine and mental health until the late 1970s,
when Jon Cabat- Zinn began to study clinical applications of meditation. He documented
positive effects of mindful meditation practices for people with depression, stress, chronic
pain, and other conditions (Mind & Life Institute, n.d.; Young, 2011). Since then, the value
of meditation has been studied in many fields of practice, including CR (Hamilton, 2013).

One of the most common meditation techniques involves breathing exercises. By con-
centrating on breathing, we raise awareness of our thoughts, including the mind’s tendency
to jump from one thought to another. We also tend to become more relaxed (https://
thebuddhistcentre.com). We allow thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings to pass freely
through our awareness. Eventually, our mind opens. We embrace reality without feeling
anxiety. We feel at peace. The universe is unfolding as it should. We are fully in the present.
It is as if the past or future does not exist (Hamilton, 2013).

https://thebuddhistcentre.com

The Mindful Practitioner 27

There are many variations of breathing exercises, some inviting you to concentrate on
various parts of your body, or to tense and release muscles through parts of your body as
you breathe. Other meditation techniques include walking, yoga, pacing slowly through
labyrinths, and other movements or physical exercises (A. Cohen, Green, & Partnow, 2012;
Teasdale, Williams, & Segal, 2014). Repetitive actions permit the mind to wander, focus,
and quiet down. Meditation techniques may be enhanced by focusing on particular words,
thoughts, prayers, or visualizations. Using visualization, for example, you might imagine
your best self— picturing yourself presenting with all your best qualities and receiving kind,
loving responses from those around you (Schussel & Miller, 2013). Alternatively, you could
visualize yourself in a conflict situation, responding to the other person with understand-
ing, compassion, and creativity. You may also use meditation to cultivate your intention, for
example, preparing yourself to be a good listener in an upcoming conversation (Hamilton,
2013). Research suggests that no one form of meditation works best; further, the frequency
of meditating is more important than the duration (Soler et al., 2014). Thus, it is better to
meditate for 10 minutes each day than to meditate for 40 minutes twice a week.

To facilitate mindfulness and healing, we can make use of meditation spaces that are
serene and beautiful— to our senses of sight, smell, hearing, and touch. When we enter
calm and soothing environments, our brains produce more dopamine, the neurotransmit-
ter that increase feelings of happiness and decrease feelings of anxiety or stress (Sternberg,
2013). Thus, we can choose special fragrances, music, and surroundings to facilitate experi-
ences of emotional and physical well- being.

Research suggests that anger, frustration, and other emotions evoked in one situa-
tion tend to carry over into subsequent situations (Lerner, Small, & Loewenstein, 2004).
Consider a client who questions your integrity, making you feel defensive. To avoid the
carryover effect, it would be helpful to spend a few minutes meditating prior to seeing your
next client. Cultivating peacefulness and positive emotions helps you and your client. Your
optimism, delight, and gratitude may have contagious effects on everyone around you.

Just as bears hibernate and trees go dormant in the winter, remember that “down time”
is not wasted time, but rather time for needed rest and rejuvenation (Warren et al., 2011).
So, as you read through this volume, remember to take a break, meditate, rest your body,
embrace stillness, allow your mind to drift, and then return to your studies with a greater
sense of purpose and clarity. Remember also to use breathing exercises, visualization, posi-
tive self- messages, or other forms of mediation to center yourself before dealing with an
important conflict. These techniques can help you remain calm, focused, purposeful, non-
judgmental, and free from distraction.

Reflection

Reflection in professional practice is like looking in a mirror, except the reflection goes much
deeper than physical appearance. When practitioners reflect on themselves, they strive to
become mindful of what feelings are being evoked (the affective domain), what thoughts
are going on in their mind (the cognitive domain), and how they present themselves
(the behavioral domain). Ideally, practitioners have a high level of self- awareness during
their interventions (reflection in action). Because we are all in the process of developing
greater self- awareness in the moment, we can all benefit from deliberating before an inter-
vention and reflecting back afterward (Lang, 2004). This process may be as simple as taking
a few moments before and after an intervention to mull over thoughts and feelings in your
head (Friedman, 2014). Reflection allows us to take a step back and look at the situation
from different perspective. If we are feeling frustrated with the other person, we can reflect
on what is making us feel frustrated. We can then reflect on what could make us feel more

28 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

calm and understanding, for instance, imagining the other person as a young child, consid-
ering how the other person has also suffered, or thinking of things to appreciate about the
other person (A. Cohen et al., 2012).

Writing journal entries or brief descriptions after your meetings can be used to heighten
your awareness of your responses to particular situations, while providing a record that will
enable you to review your reactions and progress over time. When you write in your jour-
nal, allow your thoughts and feelings to flow freely. You are writing the journal for your own
purposes, so you need not self- censor material that may seem embarrassing if you shared it
with others (A. Cohen et al., 2012). If you are embarrassed that you overreacted to a client’s
complaint, or if you are dealing with ill feelings toward a colleague, be honest in your writ-
ing. Give yourself a chance to process these personal thoughts and feelings.

Peer consultation or clinical supervision can also support your reflective efforts
(Friedman, 2014). Consultants or supervisors help you identify underlying thoughts and
feelings. They ask questions to raise insights and encourage you to explore areas that you
might have missed. In other words, they assist with reflection by holding a mirror so you
can look more closely at yourself (Kadushin & Harkness, 2014). Finally, you can use the
discussions, inventories, and exercises in a CR course for interactive reflection. View your
teachers and classmates as a community of educators and learners who help one another
through giving and receiving feedback. You can facilitate greater self- awareness and new
insights by sharing experiences and asking each other questions (McGuire & Inlow, 2005).

Consider your work with a client who seems unappreciative of your help. Initially, you
feel frustrated with the client. Upon reflection, you ponder your underlying intentions.
Were you really focused on the client’s agenda, or were you more focused on your own?
Perhaps your frustration was not caused by the client’s lack of appreciation, but rather your
difficulty connecting with the client’s concerns. Being able to identify the sources of one’s
frustration or other feelings helps us focus our attention on the true issues. We are bet-
ter able to assess factors contributing to the conflict, as well as how to solve the problems
(Galluccio, 2015).

When conflict arises, emotions are apt to mount. Unchecked, emotions such as anger,
fear, frustration, excitement, despair, and vengeance can lead to escalation of conflict
(K. Kim, Cundiff, & Choi, 2014). CR professionals need to be aware of their emotions— not
to squelch them, but to ensure that these feelings do not impair their ability to deal with con-
flict effectively. Reflection helps practitioners identify their natural emotional responses to
various types of conflict, particularly what “pushes their buttons.” Once awareness is raised,
practitioners can strategize how to deal with difficult situations, rather than simply lay blame
or respond out of defensiveness. Reflection is also part of self- care for a professional. By
attending to your own feelings, you can ensure that you do not become overstressed, disil-
lusioned, or consumed by the conflicts you are managing (Grellert, 1991). In the following
sections, we explore reflections on particular emotions and cultural influences.

1. Reflecting on Emotions
Emotional intelligence refers to our capacity for self- awareness, self- regulation, motivation,
empathy, and social skills (Goleman, 2006; N. Katz & Sosa, 2015). Self- awareness includes
our metacognitive ability to accurately identify and assign intentions, desires, beliefs, and
emotional states to ourselves and to others (Galluccio, 2015). Self- regulation allows us to
manage moods, so that we are not acting simply on impulse. Building on self- awareness,
self- regulation involves a conscious appraisal of the situation and a deliberate choice about
how to respond (Gross, 2014). Motivation means being in touch with internal concerns that
compel us to pursue particular goals. Empathy is the capacity to understand and respond
with compassion to the emotions of others. Social skills include verbal and nonverbal

The Mindful Practitioner 29

communication competencies that help us build rapport, find common ground, and man-
age relationships with others. People with higher levels of emotional intelligence are better
able to manage conflict because they are better able to express positive emotions, manage
negative emotions, build trust with others, consider their perspectives, and find common
ground (K. Kim et al., 2014). Although each of us has a certain level of emotional intel-
ligence, we can enhance our ability to deal with emotions through social and emotional
learning, including the processes of reflection and self- awareness (CASEL, 2015).

Emotions serve many purposes. They focus our attention, tune our decision mak-
ing, facilitate social interactions, and enhance our memory (Gross, 2014). Emotions also
inspire people, providing motivation or impetus to make changes. Whether you are feeling
love, joy, respect, happiness, fear, jealousy, guilt, or some other emotion, it is helpful to
understand the purposes of the emotion, how you naturally tend to respond, and how you
can respond deliberately to foster peace and CR. Notice feelings as they arise and allow
your body to respond spontaneously. Rather than trying to deny or control your emotions,
experience emotions in an authentic, nonjudging manner (Hamilton, 2013). Feelings per
se are neither good nor bad. Regardless of whether the feeling is enjoyable or painful, it is
a common human experience. Use yourself as a guide— if a situation makes you mildly
angry and your client furious, you can begin to question what has caused the difference
in your responses. Are you acting on different information? Are your perceptions differ-
ent? Are you affected by the same conflict in a different manner? Given these differences,
an intervention that works for you may not work for the client. Emotions affect how you
think, how you behave, and even how you respond physiologically (e.g., rising blood pres-
sure when feeling stressed). All emotions have the ability to help or inhibit your ability to
deal with conflict (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013). This section explores five examples—
liking, disliking, anger, hurt, and shame— to show why it is important to continually strive
for mindfulness of your emotions.

Feelings of liking and disliking can affect your responses to conflict in many ways. If you
like one client more than another, for instance, you might unconsciously show favoritism to
the one you like. If you strongly dislike a coworker, you might automatically discount that
person’s suggestions, even when the suggestions are reasonable. If you are very fond of your
neighbors, you might be naturally inclined to acquiesce to their requests, even when they
are unreasonable. By continually observing your feelings of liking and disliking, you can
choose more deliberately how to respond (T. Fisher, Alol, & Wingate, 2005).

Anger is one of the most pervasive emotions in conflict situations. Depending on how
we use anger, it can energize us toward either constructive or destructive responses. When
we try to hold anger in, it tends to build inside and surface in ways that we have no con-
trol over (e.g., headaches or other somatic responses, passive- aggressive behavior, clouded
thinking, or conflict avoidance). Conversely, if we ventilate or dump our anger on another
person, then we are likely to exacerbate the conflict. If we learn to channel our anger toward
dealing with the rudimental problems, then it acts as a positive force. We can also try to
re- interpret situations in a more positive fashion (Lightman, 2004). Rather than getting
angry with a homeless client for lying, we can interpret the client’s lying as a survival skill.
Self- awareness helps us avoid even subtle responses
that may be perceived negatively by others. When we
feel contempt, for instance, we tend to smile with one
side of our mouth (Freshman, 2005). By avoiding
this type of half- smile, we can project more construc-
tive messages through our body language.

Anger may be either a primary or second-
ary emotion. A primary emotion is an immediate

“The reason your mother can push

your buttons the most is because she’s

the one who put them there.”

—Robin Williams

30 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

physiological reaction that one initially experiences in response to a new social situation.
A secondary emotion arises after the primary emotion, as it is processed through ones
thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. If you feel angry about something, it may be helpful to look
beneath this anger to determine what other emotions may also be operating. For example,
your anger at a client may be rooted in frustration with the client’s lack of progress in ther-
apy. Your anger at a supervisor may be derived from fear that the supervisor will chastise
you for making a mistake. Your anger at colleagues who are leaving your agency stem from
feeling hurt, abandoned, or perhaps jealous about their new positions. Once you identify
your underlying emotions, you can begin to process them. This could mean letting a client
know you feel frustrated by the lack of progress made in therapy, asking your supervisor for
support rather than censure, or letting your colleagues know that you will miss them. This
allows you to take responsibility for your own anger, while communicating your underlying
feelings in a nonthreatening manner. You do not need to be stoic or pretend your anger does
not exist. Even if you lose your temper, you can work to regain your composure, engage in
frank discussions of the discord, and re- assert the search for insight, problem solving, col-
laboration, and peace (Hamilton, 2013). As discussed earlier regarding mindfulness, let
go of any judgment regarding your anger or other emotions (Friedman, 2014). Simply be
aware of them.

Hurt means feeling emotional anguish or pain from a perceived injury or violation from
others. Conflict situations are often accompanied by hurt feelings as people experience
some combination of confrontation, stress, loss, personal attacks, and physical or financial
damages. It is OK to feel hurt, and to express such feelings through crying, writhing, vent-
ing, and so on. Accepting and expressing feelings are the first steps to processing them.
When people feel hurt, they may become self- absorbed, focusing on their own concerns
(Bush & Folger, 2005). To move beyond hurt and self- absorption, it may be useful to iden-
tify one’s underlying needs (Rosenberg, 2003). If someone has attacked me, is my primary
need to feel safe, to feel whole, or to feel respected? How can I transmute my suffering into
feelings that will serve more positive purposes? I am not denying that I feel hurt. Rather
than feeling self- pity, however, perhaps I can open my heart to compassion, fearlessness,
courage, curiosity, and other feelings that will help me connect with others and move on
(Hamilton, 2013).

Shame refers to feelings of distress stemming from awareness of a personal trait or core
aspect of one’s identity that is inconsistent with social norms or one’s internalized expecta-
tions of self (Behrendt & Ben- Ari, 2012). Shame is related to feelings of dishonor, embar-
rassment, and disgrace. Shame challenges feelings of self- love. Feelings of shame may be
triggered when the socially undesirable trait is exposed to others, although shame may also
be felt as disappointment in oneself without exposing the trait to others. When people feel
shame, they tend to experience a number of challenges in dealing with conflict:

• Shame arouses anger, suspicion, and resentment.
• Shame is associated with expressions of aggression toward the self, the other, or the sur-

rounding environment.
• Shame encourages nonconstructive responses to conflict, including withdrawal, lower-

quality solutions to problems, and reduced expectations of fulfilling any solutions.
• Shame leads people to focus on themselves and disregard the needs and interests of oth-

ers (Bader, 2011; Behrendt & Ben- Ari, 2012).

Given the potential impact of shame, self- awareness and deliberate responses are crucial.
Consider an African American professional who is enraged by a racist joke or a practitioner
with schizophrenia who feels threatened when others discover her history of mental illness.

The Mindful Practitioner 31

Rather than responding based on raw emotion, they may reflect on the source of these feel-
ings and try to find appropriate outlets for them. Some issues may be dealt with in profes-
sional supervision; others through therapy or some of the mindfulness strategies described
earlier. Simply taking time out, reflecting, and returning to the conflict with renewed focus
may be helpful.

Face refers to one’s sense of responsibility and honor, the desire to avoid embarrassment
or shame (Hamilton, 2013). If we can be aware of comments that push our buttons or easily
embarrass us, we are better prepared to save face; that is, protect our self- image. In the long
term, we can take steps to build our pride and positive sense of self. Having a secure self-
image allows us to be assertive of our interests, without becoming aggressive or defensive
when we are challenged (Bader, 2011). In the short- term, we can practice responses that
separate our feelings from the problems that we are trying to resolve and the professional
behaviors that we need to put into practice. When our identity or sense of self- worth is chal-
lenged, we may use positive self- messages such as, “Let it go,” “I am a good person,” “Don’t
sweat the small stuff,” or “I am not the issue. The issue is …” It is OK to feel vulnerable.
Vulnerability allows us to open ourselves to others. Vulnerability is not weakness, but rather
the courage to be honest (B. Brown, 2012). Instead of trying to save face, we can take pride
in who we are.

When we feel threatened or ashamed, we can take ownership of our feelings. We can
avoid blaming others for how we are feeling. We can identify needs that are related to our
feelings. And we can listen to others with concern and empathy (Rosenberg, 2003). I recall
an instance when a client called me a “stupid faggot.” Initially, I blushed and felt defensive.
Then, I felt angry. I owned my anger. The client’s statement triggered my anger, but it was
something inside me that made me feel angry. Further, something inside me could help me
deal with my anger. Composing myself was not easy. I told myself, “Yes, I am gay and this
is no cause for shame.” I needed to be comfortable with myself before I could focus on the
work that I needed to do with this client. My client did not need judging or condemnation.
He needed my understanding and support.

Another aspect of emotional regulation concerns how we express emotions in profes-
sional situations (N. Katz & Sosa, 2015). Display of emotions varies depending on the
model of intervention. A psychoanalyst presents with little emotion, allowing clients to
open up and transfer feelings onto an empathic, nonjudgmental listener. A motivational
educator, in contrast, presents with enthusiasm and dramatic techniques in order to sell
the message. Similarly, different models of CR work best with different types of emo-
tional expression. Mediators who want to demonstrate impartiality avoid displaying plea-
sure or displeasure with one party or the other. Advocates who want to persuade decision
makers might use emotional displays to win sympathy. Negotiators who prefer not to tip
their hand (e.g., disclose their bottom line) mute their expressions of emotion. Teachers
who impose consequences for student misbehavior refrain from showing pleasure in
imposing the consequences. Certainly, different situations call for differential use of self.

As you develop your own style of CR, remember to build on your strengths. Some
negotiators are more effective when they approach conflict calmly and rationally. Others
are more effective when they express their exuberance, umbrage, or fear. How you display
emotions should also take the other person’s cultural expectations into account. When a
mediator avoids smiling in order to maintain impartiality, for instance, some people may
interpret this as coldness or lack of concern (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013).

2. Reflecting on Cultural Influences
Because culture affects the way people understand and respond to conflict, CR profession-
als must become aware of their cultural predilections. Rather than prescribing a singular

32 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

approach to CR, this text presents an array of approaches. This allows practitioners to select
CR approaches that are consonant with their own cultural values and norms. Cultural
awareness also helps practitioners select CR approaches that are culturally appropriate for
the people they are dealing with. As a Canadian, I know that my country of origin values
“peace, order, and good government.” These terms are written into the constitution and
form the basis for Canada’s justice system. When working with CR practitioners in Israel,
I became keenly aware of how my personal identity as a Canadian set me apart from many
Israelis. On the surface, Israeli responses to conflict often seemed argumentative, confron-
tational, and chaotic. Conversely, many Israelis saw me as nice and even- tempered, but too
naïve and indirect: “Why don’t you just say what you mean?” I had to learn how to interpret
Israeli interactions from their cultural perspectives and how to adapt CR approaches to
fit with the cultural common sense in Israel. As an Israeli colleague noted after one of my
workshops:

When I hear you talk about conflict resolution, it all seems to make so much sense. But when
I try to translate it in my head from English to Hebrew, it doesn’t seem to work. I can’t just
translate it word for word.

I had to help Israeli colleagues interpret CR theory and skills to fit with their cultural frames
(Li- On, 2016). I also had to learn not to judge Israeli culture or take on airs of cultural
superiority. It is not that Israelis have disdain for peace, order, or good government; how-
ever, they tend to have different patterns of interacting and implementing these constructs.
By reflecting on my experiences, I was able to identify areas of similarity, as well as areas of
difference. Through learning about other cultures, I became more conscious of my own.

One’s personal identity can be comprised of various factors, including ethnicity, cul-
ture, gender, age, sexual orientation, and political affiliation. Identity affects one’s ways of
viewing the world as well as one’s emotional and verbal responses (Freshman, 2005). By
becoming more mindful of one’s identity(ies), one can act more deliberately in conflict
situations.

Aspects of cultural diversity that are particularly relevant in conflict situations include
power distance, collectivism versus individualism, and uncertainty avoidance (Oetzel &
Ting- Toomey, 2013; Wanis- St. John, 2005). Power distance refers to cultural expectations
about respect or deference to people in positions of authority, such as parents, elders,
or professionals. For instance, do you prefer to call your instructor Professor, Dr., Mr.,
Mrs., or Ms., or do you use the instructor’s first name? Regardless of your preference, how
does your instructor prefer to be addressed? When people have higher levels of power
distance, they may tend to defer to those in positions of authority rather than challenge or
confront them.

The collectivism- individualism continuum refers to the extent to which a culture priori-
tizes individual needs over group needs (K. Kim & Markman, 2013). In your family of
origin, for instance, were you encouraged to place family needs above your own, yielding
to your parents’ wishes? Alternatively, were you encouraged to develop your own unique
identity, speaking up for yourself even if it meant disagreeing with your parents? People
from collectivist cultures tend to resolve conflict based on the needs of their family or com-
munity rather than their individual needs or interests.

Uncertainty avoidance refers to the degree to which a culture embraces or steers clear of
ambiguity. Do you (and other members of your cultural group) prefer to have clear, specific
plans at the start of a meeting or when you set off on a vacation, or do you feel comfortable
with an open- ended agenda that may lead who knows where (Macduff, 2006)?

The Mindful Practitioner 33

Although characteristics such as uncertainty avoidance and power distance are affected
by culture, there are also individual differences within each cultural group. As you strive to
gain awareness of your predilections, consider how they may affect you in various types of
CR roles and situations.

Spirituality: Inspiration and Artistry

Spirituality may be defined as a search for meaning or a process of transcending beyond
the material world (Culliford, 2011). Different people experience spirituality in different
manners, for instance, through relationships with self, others, a higher power, or the cos-
mos (Barker, 2007). Religion is a particular form of spirituality in which there is an orga-
nizational structure that provides social order, rituals, language, and shared understanding
(Canda & Furman, 2009). Although professionals should avoid imposing any particular
form of spirituality on the people they help, spirituality may be an important aspect of CR
(R. Goldberg & Blancke, 2011). For the CR practitioner, in particular, spirituality may be a
source of inspiration and artistry.

Consider why you are in your current profession. How does it provide meaning to your
life? Is it the act of helping, the good that you are creating for those you serve, or promot-
ing health, safety, social justice, self- actualization, or some other societal good? Consider
also why you are studying CR. Do your sources of inspiration include promoting peace,
collaboration, empowerment, or fairness? And finally, how do your spiritual and religious
beliefs fit with your interest in CR? Being mindful of what inspires us to do good can help us
achieve greater causes and deal more effectively with the vicissitudes of conflict. Spirituality
reminds of the interconnectedness of people, including common needs, dreams, and aspi-
rations, despite our differences. Spirituality invites us to approach conflict with purpose,
fascination, mystery, awe, and even delight (Culliford, 2011).

Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Aung San Suu Kyi, the Dalai Lama, and many
other icons of peace and nonviolence have drawn from spiritual teachings for the their ide-
als, insights, and guidance (Hamilton, 2013). Spiritual teachings and practices may be used
to foster patience, mutual understanding, enlightenment, and transcendence (Tolle, 2008).
Can you imagine yourself living through war, molestation, slavery, or other forms of vio-
lence and oppression— and still maintaining inner peace, faith in humanity, and a compas-
sionate approach to managing conflict? Your sense of spirituality is what may help you rise
above your senses of pain, outrage, and vengeance at such injustices.

Many models of CR, including some presented in this text, provide practitioners with
explicit stages, strategies, and techniques for intervention. These guidelines provide a
secure framework and manageable steps for developing professionals. Still, CR is not sim-
ply the rigid application of a script or technical intervention. Professionals need inspiration
and artistry to implement CR in creative and flexible manners (Picard, Bishop, Ramkay, &
Sargent, 2004). Cultivate your creativity. Be open to synchronicity and karma— the chance
happenings and good intentions that seem to come from nowhere. I have been surprised
many times by the magic of mediation:

• Amid a seemingly intractable conflict, one person has an epiphany, an insight that leads
us to a wonderful resolution of the issues.

• During a dispute where both clients seem to have nothing in common, they unexpect-
edly discover they are two sides of the same coin.

• A community in crisis realizes that the crisis is an opportunity for change rather than a
calamity.

34 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

Conflict happens in the moment. Rather than merely “talking about” conflict in the past or
in the abstract, CR professionals have the most profound impact by responding spontane-
ously but elegantly in the midst of a conflict interaction. Although preparation for CR is
important, CR professionals must be also mindful of the moment, listening carefully to oth-
ers and improvising according to what is happening around them (Balachandra, Bordone,
Menkel- Meadow, Ringstrom, & Sarath, 2005). The magic of CR occurs when practitioners
go beyond the mechanical repetition of certain techniques and discover inspired interven-
tions befitting the unique conflict situation.

Although art and elegant CR processes happen in the moment, CR professionals should
not simply rely on chance opportunities or subconscious responses to conflict. CR pro-
fessionals can use a number of strategies to stimulate imaginative, visionary CR processes
and to remain open for serendipitous opportunities for creative CR processes to emerge

(Lederach, 2005).

First, CR professionals can envision their work not only as a job or career but as a voca-
tion. A vocation is a calling or endeavor that a person assumes with a passion. The passion
may come from one’s core values, morals, religious beliefs, or spiritual drives (Tolle, 2008).

Second, CR professionals can use their passion and commitment to inspire others—
helping people move past base desires or drives, such as violence or revenge, to higher ideals
such as peace and social justice. This requires both optimism and naïveté. Whereas people
embroiled in long- term, violent conflict might see no reason to trust or hope, CR profession-
als can help them see a spark of hope that might ignite something much grander than they
ever imagined. Initially, CR professionals might merely ask others to dream. “If you could
wave a magic wand and things would be better, what would better look like?” (Ratner, George,
& Ivenson, 2012). Without high goals and aspirations, people will not be inspired to reach
beyond what seems pragmatic, to what could be. Help people find the beauty and opportunity
in what surrounds them. Show them how they can take a problem- saturated story of their past
experiences and develop a more positive narrative to guide them into the future.

Third, CR professionals can inspire themselves and others to take risks:

• When you feel denigrated, offer respect.
• In the face of fear, offer your vulnerability.
• When division and hate is all around you, build solidarity with those close at hand and

then reach for others as far as you can touch.
• When overwhelmed by complexity, seek the elegant essence that holds it together

(Lederach, 2005).

Giving peace a chance is risky, but if we do not give peace a chance, then we are destined to
further violence. Consider not only the risks of taking the next step toward peace, but also
the risks of not taking the next step.

Fourth, CR professionals can respect the natural and traditional CR processes that
already exist within a family, community, or culture. Some CR professionals are too quick
to impose their own processes on clients. When CR professionals engage and get to know
clients, they should be open to building on client strengths, including their own knowledge
of what works or could work for them (Lederach, 2005).

If you think I am dreaming in Technicolor, I am. But I am also dreaming in Blu- ray,
high definition, and wide screen. Some people criticize peaceniks as being soft, simple, or
cowardly. Effective peacebuilders are anything but. They require confidence, assertiveness,
practical knowledge, critical thinking, and courage. Faith, hope, and imagination do not
mean being foolhardy. There are many positive examples of people who have used moral
imagination to inspire others toward peace and social justice. When Martin Luther King Jr.

The Mindful Practitioner 35

enlisted African Americans to use nonviolence and civil disobedience to challenge racial
segregation, can you imagine their initial responses? “Whites control government, police,
and the courts … and you want me to violate the law by going into a Whites- only establish-
ment? Are you crazy?” Similarly, who would have thought prior to the 1990s that apartheid
in South Africa would end without a civil war or that the Irish Republican Army would
renounce all forms of terrorism? It is easy for people to feel jaded or pessimistic in the face
of the Islamic State’s (ISIS) campaign of terror, or a nasty divorce, or even a political cam-
paign plagued by mudslinging. CR professionals, however, can play a vital role in inspiring
hope and creating a time and space for people to engage in imaginative dialogue, problem
solving, and peacebuilding (Lederach, 2005; Mayer, 2004).

VALUES AND ETHICS

Values are priorities. They indicate deeply held preferences about what is good or mor-
ally important to us. In contrast, ethics are guidelines for professional behavior, delineating
appropriate and inappropriate manners of conduct (G. Corey, Corey, Corey, & Callanan,
2015; Dolgoff, Loewenberg, & Harrington, 2012). As CR professionals, values and ethics
guide both our goals and the means to those goals (Barsky, 2010). Our values affect how
we implement skills and intervene in conflict. If you value peace, then the model of prac-
tice you select will be directed to meet this goal. Ideally, the model uses peaceful means
to bring about peace. If not, can you justify using nonpeaceful means, fighting, to bring
about peace? CR theory and practice must be predicated on values and not simply on what
research proves to be effective.

1. In Search of Common Values

Given the breadth of CR models and the range of backgrounds among CR professionals,
it would be misleading to say there is a common value base of CR. A common value base
does exist among practitioners who favor collaborative, nonviolent CR. These profession-
als are guided by the values of peace, integrity, respect for diversity, consensus building, and
community (MacFarlane, 1999). Some people find professionals of this ilk to be optimistic,
perhaps even naïvely so. However, a good part of CR is selling the process to conflicting par-
ties. When conveyed in a genuine manner, the confidence and idealism of CR professionals
may inspire clients to strive for similar ideals.

An elderly man is mugged by a young thug. The man feels violated, humiliated, dis-
mayed, and vengeful. The last thing on his mind is to have a chance to meet face- to- face
with the thug and talk things out. What can a CR practitioner offer the man?

People are basically good. Right now you are wondering how I could possibly say this about
the youth who mugged you. Perhaps you are right. But what do you really know about him?
What does he know about you? Would you like the opportunity to tell him who you are and
how you feel about what he has done? Do you think he would have mugged you if he knew
who you were?

It would be hypocritical for CR practitioners to say that all CR professionals must have the
same values— if we respect diversity, then this includes diversity within the field. In fact,
there are significant debates within CR about a number of values, including privacy, satis-
faction, social justice, empowerment, and recognition. Most helping professionals ascribe
to the ethic of confidentiality— that is, a professional who learns personal information
from a client will keep that information private, unless the client consents to release such

36 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

information. Many CR professionals argue that one of the advantages of mediation and
negotiation is that they are confidential processes. This allows parties to work through their
differences in a safe environment, without having to worry about how others will respond.
Some CR professionals, however, raise concerns that conflicts should remain in the public
domain. Court, for example, is open to the public in order to ensure accountability and
protection of vulnerable populations. In addition, decisions made in one case can be used
as precedents to support decisions in similar cases in the future. Under this concept of jus-
tice, fairness is achieved when like cases are decided alike. When negotiations, mediation,
or other CR processes are closed to the public, accountability is more difficult to gauge and
precedent cases are not made known to society (R. Brown, 2012; Talesh, 2011). When you
are deciding whether your CR process should be open or closed to the public, remember to
take the extent to which you value client privacy into account.

2. Satisfaction, Social Justice, and Transformation

Folger, Bush, & Della Noce (2010) identify three value orientations for mediation: satisfac-
tion, social justice, and transformation. The Satisfaction Story is predicated on the belief
that mediation satisfies people’s needs and interests. Through mediation, people are able to
settle their differences informally, amicably, and in a manner that produces mutually agree-
able solutions. The Social Justice Story is based on the notion that mediation organizes
individuals around common issues and promotes stronger social ties. This provides the
community with an opportunity to organize disadvantaged groups in order to challenge
the power brokers and promote social justice. The Transformation Story suggests that the
promise of mediation is its capacity to transform the manner in which conflicting parties
deal with conflict (Folger et al., 2010). Bush and Folger (2005) identify two components of
transformation: empowerment and recognition. Empowerment refers to the ability of medi-
ation to promote client self- determination, choice, and autonomy. Recognition refers to the
ability of mediation to enhance interpersonal communication and empathic understand-
ing among conflicting parties. Depending on which orientation you accept, your choice of
models of CR will vary significantly.

When you approach a conflict, what do you value? What is your ultimate goal for the
process? Any resolution of the conflict? A fair solution? An efficient solution? Social har-
mony? An enduring solution? In case you have not noticed, I have avoided presenting a
definitive answer. As you work through the readings and exercises, you may clarify your
own value base for CR.

3. Attitude toward Power

Although most helping professions believe in a client’s right to self- determination, various
professionals have different attitudes toward the use of power in their work. At one extreme,
some professionals see themselves as impartial facilitators— that is, professionals who sup-
port clients to fulfill their goals in a nondirective manner. In contrast, other professionals
believe that they are justified and perhaps required to use their power to influence the way
clients and others make decisions.

A professional’s attitude toward the use of power may depend on the situation. For
example, a child protection worker will remove a child from a family if it poses an immedi-
ate risk to the child’s welfare. If, however, the child’s immediate safety is assured, then the
worker will try to work with the family on a voluntary basis. Reflect on your own attitudes
toward the use of power in your type of work. When are you more likely to exert your influ-
ence? When are you less likely to do so?

The Mindful Practitioner 37

Understanding your attitudes toward power will help you decide the types of CR roles
and models of intervention that you will use. For example, a liberal- minded family therapist
is more likely to encourage family members to come up with their own solutions to fam-
ily conflicts. A radical feminist therapist is more likely to influence decisions by altering
the power balance in the family to give the women more power. An administrator with an
egalitarian style is likely to share power with others in the organization. An authoritarian
administrator will use decision- making power without inviting input from others (Haidt,
2013). As you explore various approaches to CR, consider the role of power and how it fits
with your own attitude toward power.

4. Professional Ethics

Professional values are often operationalized in professional codes of ethics. The same
is true in many areas of CR. There is no single code of ethics that truly covers all CR or
even for any branch of CR, such as negotiation or mediation.4 If you are practicing CR as
part of your other professional identification (e.g., youth worker, psychologist, teacher),
you are bound by the code of ethics of that profession, if any. Some professions, includ-
ing social work, have articulated specific policies for members who practice CR (National
Association of Social Workers [NASW], 2008). In certain realms of CR practice, such as
family mediation, CR associations have developed their own codes of ethics (Association
of Family and Conciliation Courts, 2000; Family Mediation Canada, n.d.).

In most jurisdictions, membership in a CR association and adherence to its code of eth-
ics is voluntary. This means that CR professionals who wish to operate on a different set of
standards and values do not have to belong to any association. No wonder that you will find
CR professionals with very different values and standards of practice.

For sample codes of ethics, see the websites listed in Appendix 4. Note the differences
and similarities between the codes of ethics from various CR associations. Note, too, how
many values questions are open for interpretation.

5. Values and Ethical Conflicts

Even with the guidance of professional codes of ethics, CR practitioners face many situa-
tions where there is no clear guidance on how to act. A code may say, for instance, that a
professional must act honestly and respect the rights of others. Does this mean that pro-
fessionals must disclose their bottom lines when they are negotiating with others? What
circumstances, if any, permit professionals to use deceitful or coercive tactics in trying to
achieve justice for their clients? To determine not only how to behave but also how to be as
a CR professional, we must be mindful of the values that are inherent in the strategies we
use and the CR roles that we assume.

CONFLICT ST YLES

Conflict style refers to one’s preferred response or natural pattern of behavior when faced
with conflict. Certainly, people respond differently to different types of conflict situations;
however, people do have general tendencies to respond to conflict in particular manners

4 The Association for Conflict Resolution (2010) has a statement of ethical principles that are geared toward
all “neutrals.” While this term covers a broad range of conflict resolution roles, it does not cover non- neutral
roles such as advocates.

38 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

(Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). The Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (Thomas &
Kilmann, 1974)5 helps CR professionals determine their own tendencies, as well as those of
others with whom they are working. By assessing your own conflict style, you can develop
greater control over how you respond to particular conflict situations (A. Schneider &
Brown, 2013). By assessing others’ conflict styles, you can determine appropriate inter-
ventions or ways of engaging them more effectively (e.g., demonstrating empathy for their
initial responses; showing them value in trying a different approach to conflict).

Based on dual- concern theory, the Thomas- Kilmann Instrument begins with the
proposition that there are two primary orientations toward CR: assertiveness and coop-
erativeness (Coleman, Kugler, Bui- Wrzosinska, Nowak, & Vallacher, 2012). Figure 1.2
describes these dimensions as concern for self (assertiveness) and concern for others
(cooperativeness).

Concern
for Self

(assertiveness)

Competing
(dominating)

Collaborating
(integrating)

Avoiding

Compromising

Accommodating
(obliging)

Concern for Others
(cooperativeness)

FIGURE 1.2. Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Styles Chart

1. Avoiding

The bottom- left quadrant of the diagram describes avoiding, responding to conflict in ways
that reflect low on concern for self and low on concern for others. Avoidance behaviors
include withdrawing, walking away, and disappearing (Hamilton, 2013). When people
avoid, they may deny that conflict exists. They may be unaware of the conflict or they may
be aware, but too anxious about the conflict to want to deal with it. By avoiding conflict,
they tend to satisfy neither their own needs nor the needs of others (Christian, 2015). I for-
got to write a letter of reference for a student. When the student calls, I do not answer and
do not call back. I avoid having any conflict with the student, at least for now. Unfortunately,
I really do not satisfy either of our needs.

5 The Thomas- Kilmann Instrument is one of the more popular frameworks among CR professionals for ana-
lyzing conflict styles, but it is certainly not the only one. The Myers- Briggs Scale (Myers, 1987), for exam-
ple, is an interpersonal styles inventory commonly used in business settings. Taxonomies of management
styles also provide frameworks to analyze interactions with people who have different preferred modes of
operating: Introverts— Extroverts, Sensors— Intuitives, Thinkers— Feelers, and Judging— Perceiving (see
http:// www.cpp.com to order copies of either of these instruments). A. Schneider and Brown’s (2013)
DYNAD Inventory provides a more nuanced update of the Thomas- Kilmann Inventory, highlighting the
possible strengths of various approaches to conflict.

http://www.cpp.com

The Mindful Practitioner 39

Sometimes, helping professionals use avoidance when they feel they are in a less power-
ful situation (Parker, 2015). For instance, a psychologist on an interdisciplinary team may
defer to the decisions of a psychiatrist, feeling that the psychiatrist ultimately has the power
to make the decision. Helping professionals may also use avoidance because they have
learned, from their culture or family, not to confront conflict directly.

Avoidance of overt conflict may be useful when the conflict is merely the symptom of
a separate underlying problem; for instance, when a child is acting out, you might try to
deal with the underlying issues and avoid dealing directly with the acting- out behaviors. If
a child whines from hunger, the parent might offer food rather than reprimand the child for
whining. Teaching the child alternatives to whining may be more effective when the child
is not hungry. Avoidance, used strategically, may have certain benefits. For instance, I might
initially avoid conflict because I am extremely upset; later, when I have calmed down, I can
engage in conflict more constructively. Be careful about the use of avoidance, and particu-
larly how others might interpret your avoiding behavior. They may infer that you do not
care, that you are irresponsible, or that you are being less than honest. If you do use avoid-
ance, monitor how others react to your behavior and determine whether to follow up with
other responses.

2. Accommodating

The bottom- right quadrant, accommodating, denotes a conflict response reflecting low
concern for one’s own needs and high concern for the needs of others. Such obliging behav-
ior may indicate the person highly values their relationships. People with accommodating
styles tend to go out of their way to please others, even at the expense of their own needs.
My boss asks me to stay late to complete a work plan and budget for a project. I am tired
but agree to stay late tonight and even offer to work through the weekend. My boss will be
happy, and I’ll be exhausted.

Accommodation may be useful when people acknowledge they are wrong and want
to demonstrate reasonableness, or when they want to help others save face in a potentially
embarrassing conflict (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). In some situations, people accommodate
others out of deference to their knowledge, position, or other forms of power over them.
Also note there are times when people give the appearance of accommodating, and then
turn around and act in a contrary manner. Consider, for instance, a patient who agrees with
a doctor to take a certain medication. The patient may not want the medication— perhaps
because of the side effects— and finds it easier to simply accept the prescription and give
the doctor the appearance of compliance. Thus, when someone appears compliant with
your suggestions or wishes, you may wish to check whether the other person is truly agree-
ing with you and whether the person intends to fulfill the agreement.

3. Competing

The top- left quadrant, competing, characterizes conflict responses that reflect low
concern for the needs of others and high concern for their own needs. People with
competing styles have an impulse to win. Competing suggests one is exerting power
to influence others, imposing one’s will, or seeking to dominate. Personal success is
important. Amicable relations with others are not. A professional colleague disagrees
with my assessment of a client. I respond by identifying all the errors in my colleague’s
thinking. Even if I am right and win the argument, consider the cost to my colleague
and our relationship. Whereas competing could include behaviors that are aggressive,
violent, or unethical, competition may also use tactics that are assertive, constructive,

40 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

and ethical (e.g., using one’s personal charisma to help persuade a colleague to support
a particular position in an upcoming staff meeting). When implementing a competitive
style in a strategic manner, one selects responses that are likely to be effective. Thus, if
yelling, being self- righteous, or lying is likely to elicit a negative response (e.g., escala-
tion of destructive conflict), people with a competitive style may forgo those strategies
for more effective ones. If they are more likely to win by being nice than by being nasty,
they will be nice.

4. Compromising

The middle section of the diagram, compromising, reflects conflict responses where peo-
ple pay some attention to the needs of others and some attention to their own needs. They
opt for solutions that are partial wins— for themselves and for others. Unfortunately,
compromises are also partial losses for themselves and for the others. The solutions
may be fair, but nobody is completely satisfied. I want government to provide full pub-
lic funding for mediation services. Government balks. I suggest a compromise that gov-
ernment subsidizes up to half the cost for people whose income is below the poverty
line. If government accepts, at least I have achieved part of what I sought to accomplish.
Compromise tends to foster better relationships than competition, but not as well as col-
laboration. In some instances, compromises can be formulated in ways that maximize
wins and minimize losses (constructive trade- offs) or ways that offer quick, short- term
solutions. In some instances, people feel pressure to compromise in order to appear rea-
sonable (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). Be cautious about accepting agreements that are less
than optimal. Although you are obtaining an agreement, you are leaving value on the
negotiation table, essentially wasting resources rather than maximizing the benefits for
you and the other negotiator.

5. Collaborating

The final quadrant, collaborating, reflects conflict responses based on high concern for
the person’s own needs, as well as for the needs for others. They seek out “win- win” solu-
tions (i.e., mutually beneficial decisions). Collaboration is sometimes called an “integra-
tive style,” as the person seeks solutions that integrate the wishes, interests, and needs of
all people involved in the conflict (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). Collaborators encourage
joint problem solving and action. A client claims that I have breached my obligation to
keep information confidential. Rather than responding defensively, I invite the client to
discuss these concerns and to see whether we can work things out in an amicable fashion.
Collaborators use cooperative strategies such as jointly analyzing problems, self- disclosing
one’s own concerns and interests, demonstrating respect, keeping an open mind, validat-
ing the other’s views, offering suggestions designed to meet both parties’ interests, and
accepting responsibility for the conflict, where appropriate.6 Collaboration is particularly
important when you need consensus to implement a decision or when the issues are very
important to both parties. Mediation, family group conferencing, circling processes, and
other constructive methods of CR encourage parties to collaborate.

6 When working with clients, be careful about using the term collaborators. For some, this term has negative
connotations as it was used to describe people who collaborated with the Nazis during World War II. Terms
such as team members, joint problem solvers, colleagues, allies, and mutual support systems can be used
to avoid this pitfall.

The Mindful Practitioner 41

6. Selective Use of Styles

Given the structure of this model, you might conclude that we should all be striving
toward collaboration. However, different conflict styles are useful for different purposes.
Avoidance, at first glance, seems to satisfy nobody’s needs. Yet many of us use, and could
use, avoidance strategies in certain situations. A member of a therapy group is whispering to
a neighbor. The whispering is disruptive, but you decide to ignore it because it is not impor-
tant enough to confront at this time. Pick your fights, as well as your efforts at collaboration.
Collaboration has its costs: time, energy, mental fatigue. Sometimes, avoidance is just easier
than dealing with the conflict.

Accommodation is useful when the relationship is truly more important than the par-
ticular dispute. An involuntary client7 enters your office for the first time and demands
a break for a cigarette. You are very busy, but you accommodate the client. Confronting
the client now may be counterproductive until you have built rapport. Accommodation
can be used as a strategy— if you accommodate someone now, that person may feel more
obliged to accommodate or collaborate with you later. Of course, accommodation can lead
the other person to continue to expect accommodations. Accommodation is particularly
useful when the issue is much more important to the other person than it is to you (e.g.,
your partner is Muslim and maintains halal dietary laws; although you would like a ham
sandwich, you agree to go to a halal restaurant because your partner’s religious beliefs are
more important than your transient preference for ham). For some, accommodation could
represent discipline of ego (A. Schneider & Brown, 2013), altruistically suppressing one’s
own interests to satisfy those of others.

At a certain level, competition is basically asserting your needs and concerns (Mayer,
2015). Assertiveness can foster productive CR, as others have to know your needs if they are
going to be able to respond effectively (Hamilton, 2013). Assertiveness may be desirable in
situations that are inherently win- lose predicaments, with no reasonable opportunity for col-
laboration. For instance, competition may be required to protect yourself from immediate
dangers (self- defense) and to respond to others who act competitively regardless of how you
behave. A landowner is planning to demolish a building, leaving your clients homeless. You
have offered to meet with the landlord and clients to work things out, but the landlord does not
respond. You refer the clients to a lawyer to help them with an injunction, a court action to stop
the demolition. Unfortunately, people often resign themselves to competition without giving
other alternatives a sufficient chance to work. As you will see in later chapters, there are many
strategies to move people from competitive styles to more collaborative ones. If people with
competitive styles can see that they lose nothing through collaboration, they may be persuaded
to try it. When people behave in competitive manners, they may not only be hurting the other
party— they may be hurting themselves, albeit unintentionally (Rowe, 2015). Accordingly,
moving from competition to collaboration may be acting in the person’s self- interest.

Compromising may be relatively easy when the conflict concerns matters that are not
based on core values or principles. If a client asked to reschedule an afternoon meeting to
8 pm, I might suggest a compromise of 6 pm. Although the 6 pm cuts into my time for dinner
and family, I may be willing to compromise because it partially satisfies both our interests.
If a client asked me to help her “scam Medicare” by falsifying her records, I am not so will-
ing to compromise. Here I am being asked to compromise my integrity, a core value. This

7 An involuntary client is a client who is required to attend counseling or other helping services— for exam-
ple, someone convicted of a criminal offense or suspected of child abuse who must go for counseling ser-
vices. The client would not have sought services unless there were legal consequences or other sanctions.

42 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

does not mean one should never compromise on values. Consider Congress. Republicans
value personal responsibility. Democrats value protection of the most vulnerable popula-
tions. Some politicians and their supporters abhor compromise, suggesting that it is a sign
of weakness or an abdication of core values. To pass a budget, to determine tax policy, or
to pass new laws, however, Democrats and Republicans may need to make compromises.
They may not fully satisfy their values; however, failure to compromise may cause gridlock
and do greater injustice to their values. Thus, principles and values may need to be tem-
pered with pragmatism (Mayer, 2015). Collaboration can be used to find common ground;
if the parties cannot reach common ground, then middle ground (or compromise) may be
the next best solution (Corry, 2012).

Although conflict styles may be affected by culture, cross- cultural and international
research suggests that the patterns of conflict styles across different cultures and countries
may not be as distinct as once thought. Some conflict theorists contend that American (and
western European) culture is relatively individualistic and therefore, Americans tend to have
a higher degree of competing or collaborating styles in comparison to people from collectiv-
istic cultures (e.g., eastern Asia). In a culture that values individualism, people are expected
to assert their interests and strive to achieve them, whether through competition or collabo-
ration (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). In contrast, people from collectivist cultures place higher
values on community and harmony; thus, they are more apt to adopt avoiding or accom-
modating styles. These styles may demonstrate sensitivity to others and respect for the exist-
ing social hierarchy. In eastern Asian societies, when someone avoids confronting conflict
directly, others may help with healing wounds or resolving the conflict in indirect ways.
Thus, what Americans might term avoidance could be considered “saving face” by dealing
with conflict indirectly, rather than confronting in a disrespectful manner (Oetzel & Ting-
Toomey, 2013). Some research challenges such cross- cultural distinctions. For instance,
Tjosvold, Wu, and Chen (2010), found that the collectivist values among the Chinese pop-
ulation does not necessarily mean a higher level of conflict avoidance. Rather, the value for
peace and harmony may encourage people to collaborate for the good of the community.

Gender research also shows a complex relationship between gender and conflict styles.
Some research suggests that women from Western cultures tend to be more accommodat-
ing than men (D. M. Kolb & Williams, 2003; E. Miller, 2001). This tendency may result
from socialization processes in which women are encouraged to care for their families and
men are encouraged to be successful in competitive work environments. However, we live
in a society where gender roles and boundaries are not as strict as in prior generations.
There is significant variability in assertiveness and cooperation among women, as well as
among men. Although CR practitioners should be able to recognize cultural and gender
differences, they should also be cognizant of within- group variations and the risks of ste-
reotyping. Culture and gender may affect the way people perceive, interpret, and respond
to conflict; however, we must be careful to avoid overgeneralizations and to consider indi-
vidual differences.

Some theorists question whether conflict styles are fixed personality types or predis-
positions that vary depending on the situation (A. Schneider & Brown, 2013). Most CR
models of intervention assume that conflict styles are not fixed, although they may be deep-
rooted. CR professionals can use different styles depending on the needs of the situation;
they can also encourage others to shift from one conflict style to another.

BASIC SKILLS

Skills are the doing part of CR: how you behave, how you communicate, how you interact
with others in the conflict. Skills translate your theoretical knowledge and value base into

The Mindful Practitioner 43

what you do in practice. All conflict interventions are based on how you present yourself,
verbally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In this section, I introduce communication
skills that are basic to virtually all forms of CR. In the chapters on negotiation, mediation,
facilitation, and advocacy, I describe how to use these skills with particular CR models and
identify other skills that are specific to each model. The fundamental communication skills
are listening, questioning, and making statements. I also touch on special issues for written
communication in CR.

1. Listening

Active listening refers to the intentional use of self to demonstrate that you have heard and
understood what the speaker has said. If you listen passively, you may have heard and
understood the speaker, but the speaker has no way of knowing this. To engage in active
listening, strive to listen in an open, generous, and caring manner. Suspend your opinions
(Hamilton, 2013). Remind yourself that good listening does not require agreeing, problem
solving, or making any other commitments with the other person. You are not asking the
other person to change. You have listened effectively if the other person feels you are recep-
tive, understanding, nonjudgmental, and authentic (Ivey, Ivey, & Zalaquett, 2014). Clear
your mind of distractions, so you may focus on the other person without judgment or bias.
Active listening can be demonstrated through the use of attending, paraphrasing, reflecting
feelings, and summarizing (Evans, Hearn, Uhlemann, & Ivey, 2011).

Attending refers to being present with others, demonstrating that you are with them in
mind as well as in body. Attending requires focusing on others, rather than daydreaming or
focusing on your own thoughts and feelings. Attending skills comprise behavioral, nonver-
bal responses to indicate listening and understanding: leaning forward, maintaining regular
eye contact, nodding one’s head, constructive use of silence, and so forth. Facial expres-
sions should be consonant with the messages that are being conveyed (e.g., smiling at good
news). Utterances, such as “uh- huh” and “mm- hmm” are attending skills, but these can be
distracting. Accordingly, utterances should be used sparingly, if at all. Vocal qualities, such
as the pitch, pace, and fluidity, can also be used to demonstrate interest and understanding
in what is being said.

The constructive use of silence refers to remaining quiet and allowing a pause of at least
5 seconds before resuming conversation. Some people find the intentional use of silence to
be the most difficult skill, particularly in conflict situations. To novice practitioners, silence
feels like a nonresponse. However, silence is a very powerful tool. Silence breaks up the flow
of communication. In the heat of the moment, people may need time for feelings to de-
escalate. Silence demonstrates that you are taking time to think, considering the meaning
of what the other person is trying to communicate or formulating your own thoughts about
how to respond. Silence allows you to reflect and be more mindful. It may also provide
people with time and space to think creatively. Rather than having a mind cluttered with
words, silence permits people to think deeply and imaginatively. Silence also gives the other
person time to think about what he or she has said. Cooler heads may prevail. Within some
cultures, silence also demonstrates respect. Before reading on, pause… . Resist the urge to
fill every space with words. Use silence in a purposeful manner.

Attending behaviors are particularly important in CR, because people often mirror the
expressions and behaviors of those around them. “Smile and the whole world smiles with
you,” goes the cliché. Though this is far from an absolute truth, you can either escalate or
de- escalate conflict through the use of particular attending behaviors. If someone starts to
yell, rather than raise your voice, try speaking softly. Besides catching the other person off
guard, you are modeling the type of behavior you hope the other will adopt. If people are

44 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

flailing their arms in anger, restrain your own gestures. Simply being present with the other
person may have a calming effect.

Although attending skills are important, nonverbal cues are often difficult to interpret.
Verbal listening skills provide the speaker with explicit feedback about how you are receiv-
ing his or her messages. Paraphrasing refers to restating what the speaker has said in order to
demonstrate empathy. A paraphrase can be constructed with words that are similar to those
used by the speaker or with words that are quite different but still convey the same message.
The following exchange between an addictions counselor (Agnes) and her client (Clara)
demonstrates how Agnes can use both types of paraphrasing.

CLARA: Don’t tell me that I have to stop drinking.
AGNES: You don’t want me to tell you that you have to stop drinking.
CLARA: Darn right! You think it’s easy just to get up one morning and never pick up a

bottle again.
AGNES: I guess you’re telling me that I do not know how hard giving up alcohol would be

for you.

Paraphrasing shows people you understand what they think and believe. By using different
words than the speaker, you can show a higher level of empathy and show the other person
that you are not simply parroting prior statements. Reflecting feelings is similar to paraphras-
ing but indicates you understand the person’s affect or emotions. You can reflect feelings
that are explicit in the person’s statement or ones that can be implied from the way the
person presents the message.

CLARA: When I come to see you, I just get more depressed.
AGNES: You feel discouraged when you come here.
CLARA [sobbing]: I don’t know what else you want from me.
AGNES: I can see how sad you feel right now.

Whereas paraphrasing restates what someone has just completed saying, the skill of summa-
rizing refers to a condensed restatement of what the person has said over a longer time frame.
To summarize, highlight the key messages presented by the person throughout that period.

AGNES: Let me see if I understand what you’ve been telling me, Clara. You don’t think
I should be telling you to stop drinking, because I do not know how hard that
would really be. I haven’t been very helpful. In fact, you feel more depressed since
you’ve been coming to see me. Anything else you want to add?

In addition to summarizing the content of what others have said, you can also summarize
areas of agreement, areas of disagreement, and how the process has been going. Summarizing,
reflecting, and paraphrasing let people know how accurately, or inaccurately, you have under-
stood them (Billikopf, 2014). The tone and wording of your questions should invite the per-
son to give you feedback and correct any inaccuracies. You are not telling people what they
think or feel. You are asking (explicitly or implicitly) whether you understand how they think
or feel. This clarifies communication, pre- empting further conflict.

Effective listening requires accurate observation and interpretation skills. Remember
that a simple message goes through a series of stages before you can respond to it. When

The Mindful Practitioner 45

you hear someone speak, you need to determine what the speaker means. Pay attention
to verbal as well as nonverbal cues. A client may call you a “wonderful helping profes-
sional.” Depending on the client’s tone of voice and facial expressions, you may take this as
a compliment (the client is being genuine) or as an insult (the client is being sarcastic). To
become more deliberate about this decoding process, try to separate your direct observa-
tions from possible interpretations.8 Tip, the Chinese word for “listen” suggests, “We must
use both ears, watch and maintain eye contact, give undivided attention, and finally, be
empathetic” (U.S. Department of State, n.d.). When you observe a particular behavior, first
try to describe it in specific, concrete terms (e.g., the client is smiling). Consider multiple
possible interpretations (e.g., the client is happy, nervous, or hiding something). At this
point, you must suspend ethnocentric evaluation. Reflect on the meaning by looking at
the situation from different cultural lenses or frames. You might even check with the other
person to help you interpret his or her response (e.g., “So would you say that you’re feeling
more content, anxious, or guarded?”).

Effective listening is absolutely crucial to CR. When faced with conflict, people often
become defensive. They feel the need to refute the message they received. They have an
impulse to tell their own story or give their own opinion before they hear the other side.
This exacerbates the problem, because the other side now feels defensive and responds in
kind, perhaps even more forcefully. Consider the following sequence between two children
playing in a sandbox:

CHUCKIE: Hey, you threw sand in my face!
CHELSEA: No, I didn’t.
CHUCKIE: Yes, you did!
CHELSEA: No, I didn’t!
CHUCKIE: Yes, you did!

What could be better than a strong argument to win a debate? Ironically, one of the most
persuasive techniques for persuading others is to listen to them. Active listening demon-
strates to others that you have truly heard them. People who feel they have been heard
are more apt to listen to you. When faced with a conflict, show the others that you under-
stand “(a) that they feel strongly, (b) what they feel strongly about, and (c) why they feel
strongly about it” (Gould & Gould, 1988).9 Note what happens if Chelsea listens rather
than fights back:

CHELSEA: Hold on a minute. You’re very angry.
CHUCKIE: Yes, you’re mean.
CHELSEA: You’re very angry at me.
CHUCKIE: Of course, I’m angry.
CHELSEA: You’re angry because you think I threw sand at you on purpose.
CHUCKIE: Well, didn’t you?

8 The process recordings for major assignments in this text will help you with this process, asking you to iden-
tify both observations and possible interpretations.

9 The power of effective listening is beautifully demonstrated in a video, Gould and Gould’s (1988) From
No to Yes. This film is part of an entertaining series of management education videotapes by John Cleese.
Although the context is business, the lessons are directly relevant to the helping professionals.

46 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

You may think this example is too contrived; however, a little active listening can move
conflict a long way toward peaceful resolution.

Remember the cultural components to communication. Words, vocal qualities, ges-
tures, and facial expressions have different meanings among different cultures. Familiarity
with other people’s cultures will help you interpret their language and nonverbal behavior
so that you can convey messages in culturally appropriate manners (Malek, 2013). For
example, active listening may be inappropriate in certain cultural contexts. If status and
hierarchy are the norm within a culture,10 a subordinate may offend a supervisor by using
paraphrase and reflection of feeling. Rather, the subordinate can demonstrate interest and
respect by listening silently and using appropriate nonverbal responses (e.g., head nods,
restrained eye contact). Once again, the point of this discussion is not to prescribe a par-
ticular type of interaction but to raise awareness of your choice of skills and how they can
influence dealing with conflict.

2. Questioning

Questions are useful for ascertaining others’ thoughts and feelings, as well as inviting their
participation in a dialogue (“What do you think?”). If you are gathering information for
an assessment or evaluation, remember to cover the five Ws: who, what, where, when, and
why. Remember, however, that questions can be intrusive. Think how you feel when some-
one peppers you with a series of questions. Novice interviewers tend to overuse questions
rather than engage people in a more natural conversation. You can encourage people to
open up and be frank through active listening skills much more readily than through a suc-
cession of questions.

Questions can be either open or closed. Open questions encourage respondents to
answer in their own words, without limiting their choices. Closed questions give respon-
dents a limited choice of answers, such as yes or no. Compare the following examples:

1. Closed: Do you support the prochoice stance on abortion?
Open: What are your views about the prochoice stance on abortion?

2. Closed: Which value is more important, individual freedom or safety?
Open: How do you prioritize values such as freedom and safety?

Closed questions are useful when you want to know specific information or when you want
to encourage the respondent to provide a brief answer. Open questions are useful when you
want to encourage the respondent to open up and when you do not want to limit the range of
possible answers (Billikopf, 2014). In the first example, the closed question suggests that there
are only two possible positions: supporting the prochoice stance and opposing it. In fact, the
respondent may have an alternate position (e.g., conditional support or support for a stance
that neither opposes nor accepts the prochoice position). The open form of the question does
not box the respondent into an artificial choice. Dichotomies tend to reinforce argument and
lock people into sides. Inviting discussion about many points of view tends to open up dialogue.

In CR, the clarity of questions is vital. People with opposing views often misinterpret
one another, making assumptions and imputing false motivations. If a patient advocate asks
a nurse, “When can the patient return home?” the nurse could interpret this question in
two ways: what needs to happen before the patient is discharged, or on what day and at
what time will the patient be discharged? If the nurse does not know the date and assumes

10 As discussed earlier for cultures with high power distance.

The Mindful Practitioner 47

the advocate is asking for a specific date, then the nurse may think the request is unreason-
able. If the advocate wanted to know “What needs to happen before discharge?” then a
more specific request would ease communication.

Questions should be worded in a nonjudgmental manner so clients do not feel that
they are being challenged or blamed. If you ask a new client, “Why were you late for your
appointment?” the client may interpret this as a personal affront. To avoid putting the client
on the defensive, you could try “Did you have any trouble finding our office?”

Finally, statements should not be disguised as questions. If I ask a student whether
she would like to present her assignment to the class, this suggests that I am giving her
an option to say yes or no. If I want her to present her assignment, I should say so directly.
People who are conflict avoiders or accommodators tend to use questions rather than state
opinions or make direct requests. To be more assertive, they need to let the other person
know what they really think or want. Being assertive, however, does not mean being aggres-
sive or insulting.

3. Making Statements

Statements are used to provide facts or opinions. Facts connote objective truth, whereas
opinions connote an individual’s subjective reality. Without getting into a philosophical
debate about truth and reality, people often state personal opinions as if they were universally
accepted facts. In CR, separating facts and opinions can be used to deconstruct conflicts. If
I say, “This student has a severe learning disability,” I am presenting it as fact. If you have a
contrary assessment, I have just insulted you because I have suggested that you don’t know
simple truth. If I state my assessment as an opinion, I can acknowledge that your opinion is
different but not necessarily wrong. Once we acknowledge a legitimate difference of profes-
sional opinions, we can work together in a more collegial fashion (S. Goldberg et al., 2012).

As with questions, statements should be clear and nonjudgmental. If you want the other
person to accept the truth in what you are saying, say it in terms that are easy for the other
person to understand and accept. Assume Pete is a psychiatrist speaking with Molly, the
concerned mother of an adolescent with high levels of anxiety. Molly has seen advertise-
ments for anti- anxiety drugs and wants the doctor to prescribe them for her son. If Pete
uses technically accurate but non- patient- centered language, his message may be doomed
to failure. Consider the following example:

PETE: Although DSM- 5 has lowered the diagnostic threshold for generalized anxiety dis-
orders, we should not be medicalizing people with everyday worries. You may be
doing more harm than good for your son.

First, Molly may not be familiar with “DSM- 5” or terms such as “generalized anxiety dis-
orders.” She is more likely to understand a concrete description of the anxiety symptoms
that her son is experiencing. Further, given that Molly has grave concerns about her son’s
anxiety, she may respond defensively when the psychiatrist refers to them as “everyday con-
cerns.” If Pete uses terminology that is familiar to Molly, the probability of her hearing and
accepting his message increases. Pete can also use patient- centered language by referring
back to Molly’s points, showing that he has heard her and is building on her perspectives
(Gould & Gould, 1988), as follows:

PETE: You seem concerned about your son’s ability to deal with stress. You believe he needs
medicine to relieve his anxiety. I can understand your desire for medical treatment

48 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

as soon as possible. [Pause for response] Although anti- anxiety drugs are one pos-
sible solution, I am concerned about treating the symptoms without looking more
carefully at the underlying issues. Perhaps we could start by assessing the causes of
your son’s anxiety, which medical and nonmedical options to consider, and which
option will be the best for your son.

The trick is to learn how to speak persuasively and assertively, without coming across as com-
bative or presumptuous. Use I- statements to explain your thoughts and feelings: “I feel incensed
about …” or “I believe the problem resulted from… .” These types of statements let people
know where you are coming from, without imposing your thoughts or feelings on others.
When you offer ideas or opinions, explain the facts on which they were based. If there is dis-
agreement, you do not have to back down. You can make your points firmly but stay respect-
ful and amicable (Gould & Gould, 1988). Avoid blatant rejections of the other person’s ideas.
Rather than “That’s ludicrous,” try “I’m looking at the problem from a different perspective.”

When people want to persuade others, they tend to use contention or assertions to state
what they want. Although people often rely on contention, acknowledgment and inquiry
tend to be more effective methods of persuasion (Stone, Patton, & Heen, 2010). You can
acknowledge the other’s perspective by using active listening skills, as described earlier.
Active listening encourages the speaker to trust you and open up to your ideas. Questions
can be used to facilitate insights. Rather than tell a client to leave an abusive relationship,
ask the client questions about the patterns of abuse and whether the client thinks the abuse
will stop. Even though you are encouraging the client to leave, you are respecting the client’s
right to decide whether and when to leave.

When in doubt about what to say next during a conflict situation, use listening skills
(including silence). Asking questions and making statements are more risky.

4. Written and Online Communication

Although general writing skills are important in CR, they really go beyond the scope of this
book. For classic texts on effective writing, consider Strunk and White (2000) or Williams
(2010). In this section, I highlight written and online communication concerns related to
CR strategies. In later chapters, I describe writing skills that are required for certain models
of CR— for example, using neutral language as a mediator; using persuasive language as an
advocate.

Some people are more comfortable with oral communication, others with written. Oral
communication is often more informal, flexible, and spontaneous. Written communication
provides the writer with more time to think about what to say and how to say it; the reader
also has more time to read and interpret it.11 In CR situations, your choice of written, oral,
online, or combined forms of communication should be made with strategic purposes in
mind. With written communication, the writer has the benefit of more time to ensure that
the messages are conveyed clearly, concisely, and nonjudgmentally. The reader can deliber-
ate over the message before responding. Written communication also makes it easier for
both parties to use advocates or consultants to help them interpret and respond to messages.

Because the reader retains a record of the communication, writing can have a power-
ful effect on the reader. This can be a plus or a minus. If you make a mistake while talking,

11 Levels of formality and pacing do vary. In some cases— such as court trials— oral communication is very
formal. With email, messaging, and other technologies, written communication is often informal and
instantaneous.

The Mindful Practitioner 49

the mistake may be passed by or easily forgotten. If you make a mistake in writing, the
problem takes on a higher level of significance. Documentation provides a fixed record of
communication that can be used as (1) a framework for implementation of agreements or
(2) evidence in procedures to resolve future conflicts.

Digital communication technologies— including email, smart phones, and the
Internet— allow people to communicate instantaneously, cheaply, strategically, and to
broad audiences. Distancing between people can provide parties with emotional and physi-
cal safety. Digital communication may also allow for more measured responses, given that
each party can take time to digest messages from the other before responding. Other advan-
tages of digital communication include enhanced access to services for people with dis-
abilities, bridging long distances between people, providing an emotionally and physically
safe environment, and disinhibition about dealing with issues that might feel too embar-
rassing to discuss in person (Deardorff, 2016). Some digital apps have even been devel-
oped specifically to facilitate CR (ACR, n.d.; see Modria.com, http:// www.modria.com).
Advancements in digital communication can also enhance CR by providing new channels
for sharing ideas, exchanging information, and promoting causes.

Unfortunately, conflicts may also be exacerbated by miscommunications made through
digital technologies— for example, confidential email messages being sent to people by
mistake, hurtful messages posted on Facebook in the heat of anger, and tweets that are
easily misinterpreted because the sender was more concerned about sending the message
quickly and briefly rather than accurately. Using communication technology tends to be
more impersonal than face- to- face exchanges. People sometimes convey insulting messages
through technology that they would never dream of conveying in person. In addition, writ-
ten communication does not convey emotions in the same manner as oral communica-
tion. Consider a counselor who has just had a difficult interview and emails her supervisor,
“This client is crazy and should be locked up.” If this message were conveyed in person, the
supervisor might realize that the counselor is joking or venting with no intent to act on her
statement. Although the oral statement may come across as judgmental, it looks even worse
when it is transmitted via email. Email does not convey the worker’s sense of frustration or
intention to be funny (unless the worker has used an emoticon ☺). Given the potential for
miscommunication, be particularly cautious with humor in written communication.

Other potential disadvantages of online communication include

• potential threats to client confidentiality (e.g., through hacking);
• some clients may lack skills to use the technology effectively;
• feeling rushed to respond, especially with synchronous texting or chats;
• delays in responses (and not knowing why a person has not responded);
• lack of behavioral cues, including facial expressions and nonverbal communication;
• making it easier for people to avoid conflict or stonewall, as you cannot compel responses;
• some people may be more inclined to lie, to mistrust, or to act strategically (rather than

honestly and openly) when interaction is not face- to- face; and
• difficulty responding to crisis situations, such as a client who expresses homicidal or sui-

cidal plans (Deardorff, 2016; Fowlie, Bilinsky, & Rule 2013).

Practitioners should identify risks associated with online CR and take appropriate steps
to minimize or manage these risks. In terms of confidentiality, for instance, it is important
to use encryption, strong passwords, and other safeguards to protect privacy of communi-
cations. Regarding client comfort with technology, providing training or support upfront
may be a worthwhile investment. If people refuse to respond in a timely fashion, you may
need to surface this issue so that it can be processed and resolved. In some situations, you

http://www.modria.com

50 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

may determine that face- to- face communication is vital to the process, particularly when
one of your goals is to improve relationships. In some situations, you may want to use a
combination of methods of communication, for instance, using an online intake form to
gather initial information, a face- to- face meeting to engage people in direct negotiations,
and editing an agreement using cloud computing so that all parties have easy access to build
the agreement.

* * * * *
Table 1.1 provides an inventory of the basic communication skills identified. You can use
this inventory to monitor your progress and to focus your professional development. For
each skill, circle the letter that signifies the level where you believe you are today. Place a
checkmark (√) where you plan to be at the end of the course. This will help you prioritize
your learning. Mark your diary to remind yourself to come back to this inventory halfway
through the course and at the end of the course. Underline where your progress is at the
midway point of the course. Put an asterisk where you are at the end of the course.

TABLE 1.1. Communication Skills Inventory

Coding: a— demonstrates skill in an exemplary manner; b— demonstrates skill
in a competent manner; c— could use additional practice to demonstrate skill
effectively; z— no opportunity to observe or provide feedback on use of this skill

ORAL SKILLS

Attending (nonverbal listening through body language and

facial expressions)

a b c z

Constructive use of silence a b c z

Paraphrasing a b c z

Reflection of feeling a b c z

Summarization a b c z

Open question a b c z

Closed question a b c z

Appropriate pacing a b c z

Nonjudgmental questions and statements a b c z

Clear questions and statements a b c z

Concise questions and statements a b c z

Statements are assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) a b c z

Culturally appropriate language a b c z

Other: a b c z

WRITING SKILLS a b c z

Engages reader through interesting descriptions or storytelling a b c z

Respectful (nonjudgmental) word choice a b c z

Assertive (neither passive nor aggressive) a b c z

Culturally appropriate language (including reader’s level of

literacy)

a b c z

Main ideas clearly and logically presented a b c z

Concise sentences a b c z

(continued)

The Mindful Practitioner 51

Proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling a b c z

Acknowledges complexity or ambiguity of issues (more

than one side of an issue)

a b c z

Opinions and conclusions supported by sound

argument or evidence

a b c z
Other: a b c z

You can also use these inventories to request specific feedback from others. When you
are participating in a role- play or assignment, provide a blank copy of the inventory to a col-
league, and ask for specific feedback on the criteria that you are trying to improve. Focus on
no more than four skills at a time.

All communication skills require deliberate choices about how to present yourself,
orally, behaviorally, and in writing. Although professionals try to minimize miscommuni-
cations, errors are apt to happen, and further conflict may result. Remember that commu-
nication is not just a onetime event; it is ongoing. If miscommunication occurs, bring the
parties together to clarify understandings. As noted earlier, blaming one side or another for
miscommunication does little to resolve it. The focuses need to be on how to fix the prob-
lem and how to prevent it from reoccurring.

KEY POINTS

• Mindfulness, the process of being present, self- aware, responsive, engaged, and reflective,
is key to responding to conflict in a deliberate and effective manner.

• Mindfulness allows CR professionals to integrate CR self- awareness, other awareness,
theory, values, and skills in practice.

• Meditation trains the mind for the purpose of developing higher levels of concentration,
clarity, compassion, insight, nonjudgmentalism, and inner peace.

• Reflecting helps CR professionals regulate emotions such as contempt, hurt, and shame,
so they use their emotions in a constructive, mindful manner.

• Reflection includes awareness of one’s own culture, enabling the practitioner to recog-
nize differences with clients or others, so responses to conflict can be adapted for diverse
cultural contexts.

• Spirituality serves many important roles in CR: inspiration, aspiration, imagination, cre-
ativity, motivation, and transcending mundane issues.

• Choice of CR models depends on one’s professional values, including aspirational goals
such as peace, harmony, empowerment, social justice, mutual satisfaction, respect, auton-
omy, connectedness, and understanding.

• A practitioner’s attitude toward power affects how facilitative or how directive that prac-
titioner will be when intervening in conflict situations.

• Individuals tend to favor one of five conflict styles: avoiding, accommodating, compet-
ing, compromising, or collaborating.

• Different situations require CR professionals to adopt different conflict styles.
• Effective communication skills are integral to all CR processes.
• Listening skills are particularly important in CR to demonstrate understanding and con-

cern, and to clarify misunderstandings.

TABLE 1.1: Continued

52 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

• Methods of communicating (including online vs. face- to- face and oral vs. written)
should be chosen deliberately to promote openness, honesty, trust, cooperation, and
other process goals.

• Clear, concise, and nonjudgmental language pre- empts conflict and fosters effective
communication.

SAFE CLASSROOM AND CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK

Now that we have defined the concepts of mindfulness, reflection, and effective commu-
nication skills, it is time to put these concepts into practice. This section provides specific
suggestions for fostering a positive teaching and learning environment in your CR class. To
ensure that everyone gets the most from the discussions, role- plays, and other exercises in
this book, participants need a safe atmosphere for taking risks, opportunities to individual-
ize learning activities, and room for the learners to take responsibility for their own learning.
Although the style of the instructor contributes or detracts from these factors, everyone in
the class plays a key role. After all, there are far more learners than instructors in the class.

To promote a safe atmosphere in the classroom, offer your colleagues unconditional
respect12 and constructive feedback. Giving and receiving feedback are skills that are use-
ful in CR practice, as well as in learning situations. Giving feedback means sharing your
thoughts about another person’s behavior, enabling the other person to reflect on whether
the information is helpful and whether to make changes based on the feedback. To provide
constructive, nonthreatening feedback, consider the guidelines in Table 1.2.13

TABLE 1.2. Giving Feedback

GUIDELINE EXAMPLE

1. Be mindful. Raise awareness of your

own thoughts and feelings, as well

as those of the recipient of the

feedback.

If you sense nervousness in yourself, be mindful

of how this feeling may affect your tone of voice

and choice of words, as well as its effect on the

recipient.

2. Ask the person what type of feedback

he or she might like.

“You demonstrated a lot of different skills in

the role- play. Are there any particular skills that

you’d like me to discuss?”

3. Focus on behavior rather than on the

person.

“The pace of questioning was very fast,” rather

than “You were very fast.”

4. Focus on direct observations rather

than on inferences.

“Your voice was raised,” rather than. “You

sounded angry.”

5. Focus on description rather than

judgment.

“Your reframing allowed the client to see things

from your perspective,” rather than “Your use of

reframing was very good [or bad].”

12 Chapter 6 describes how to “separate the person from the problem.” A person might vehemently disagree
with another individual’s beliefs or values and still demonstrate respect for the individual.

13 Many of these tips on feedback are derived from a flyer entitled “Constructive Feedback.” Unfortunately,
the flyer did not provide information about the author.

(continued)

The Mindful Practitioner 53

GUIDELINE EXAMPLE

6. Focus on here and now or in future,

rather than on there and then

(It’s not what you’ve done that

matters. It’s what you do next

[hamilton, 2013]).

“The next time a client confronts you like that,

you could try an empathy statement,” rather

than “You missed a good opportunity to use an

empathy statement.”

7. Focus on behavior in terms of more

or less

“To make your point more dramatically, you

could use larger hand gestures,” rather than “I

didn’t like your hand gestures.”

8. Focus on sharing ideas rather than

giving advice.

“One alternative would be to terminate the

meeting,” rather than, “You should have

terminated the meeting.”

9. Focus on the value it has to the

receiver.

“Your arguments were direct and assertive, two

skills that you said you wanted to improve.”

10. Provide feedback in small amounts. Select one or two good points, rather than flood

the person with feedback.

11. Focus on feedback that the person

can use.

Avoid making suggestions about things the

recipient cannot change (e.g., “The problem is

you are too tall”).

12. Be aware of appropriate time and

place for giving feedback.

Sometimes feedback about sensitive issues

should be left for a private exchange, rather

than in front of others.

13. Use clear and concrete examples. “The mood in the room cheered up when you

told the Sherpa anecdote,” rather than “Your

story thing was nice.”

14. Use I- statements rather than “you”

or “we.”

“I might try to show compassion in a similar

situations,” rather than “You need to be more

compassionate.”

The recipient of feedback also plays an active role in the exchange of feedback. Strategies
for receiving feedback include the following:

• Take a breath and relax. Lower your defenses so you do not interpret feedback as an
attack on your skills or personhood. Check your ego at the door. Remind yourself that
feedback is intended to facilitate your professional growth.

• Hear and understand the feedback gifted to you— reflect back what you have heard;
clarify and ask for more information to ensure that you have understood the message
intended. Simply listening to feedback shows respect for the dignity of the person provid-
ing it (Hamilton, 2013).

• Give yourself time to reflect on the feedback. How did your mind and body react when
you received the feedback? Do you feel anger, hurt, or other strong emotions? What
can you do to process these emotions and remain mindful? Let go of any resistance to

TABLE 1.2. Continued

54 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

hearing the feedback. Own the feedback and accept it as a gift, whether you agree with
it or not.

• Decide what you will do with the feedback. You may decide to validate what the other
person said and try to incorporate the feedback in the future. Alternatively, after delibera-
tion, you may decide for yourself that no change is necessary at this time. You may also
check the feedback with others.

• Offer thanks for feedback to acknowledge the other person’s honest attempts to offer
constructive feedback.

Consider a classmate who suggests you were too aggressive in an advocacy role- play.
Such feedback may lead you to feel angry or embarrassed. You might want to deny you
were aggressive and support your position with reasoned argument: “I was an advocate.
I’m supposed to promote my client’s wishes.” Alternatively, you may feel the impulse to
withdraw. Instead, explore your feelings. Why do you feel upset? Remember that even if
the feedback sounds judgmental, you can choose how you want to receive it. Perhaps you
can reframe the feedback so it is more positive and future focused: “If I’m hearing you cor-
rectly, it sounds like I could be more collaborative or other- focused next time.” Watch the
tone of your voice so it does not sound agitated or sarcastic. You might also use humor to
de- escalate a tense situation. If a colleague says you sounded confused, you might say, “Yes,
I like to embrace my confusion. It means that anything is possible!”

Ideally, feedback for learning purposes is separated from sanctions, such as grades or
remuneration. Some CR courses are offered on a pass- fail basis in order to reduce student
anxiety about grades. Some CR professors allow students to negotiate their grades. I avoid
giving grades for role- plays, to encourage students to take risks and feel less inhibited about
showing themselves making “mistakes” (how else can we learn?). Instead, I ask students to
provide process recordings14 or detailed analyses of their role- plays. Grades are based on
the students’ analysis of the process rather than the performance itself.

In addition to giving and receiving feedback, you can use exercises in this book to prac-
tice facilitating the feedback process. For each small- group exercise, designate a facilitator
to help group members provide feedback to one another. The facilitator should use ques-
tions that fit with the suggestions for feedback provided earlier— for instance, asking about
behaviors rather than asking whether the performance was good or bad, and inviting people
to focus on positive skills demonstrated in the role- plays. Use the debriefing questions pro-
vided after each role- play to assist with facilitating feedback. Also, feel free to add your own
questions to go over the main points of the exercise. Do not be surprised if conflicts arise
during debriefing. Use the CR skills you are learning to help you deal with them, including
mindfulness and reflection.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS AND EXERCISES

1. MINDFUL MEDITATION: The following meditation guidelines provide four stages
that lead to higher levels of mindfulness. For each stage, follow the breathing instructions
for 3 to 5 minutes. Find a comfortable place and position to sit, either in a chair, on a cush-
ion, or on the floor. Straighten your body, so you are upright and also relaxed.
a. Use counting to focus on your breath. After gently breathing out through your nose,

count one, breath in and out and count two, and continue to 10. Then start over at
one as you continue to breathe. Stay present, identifying yourself with the here and

14 An example of a process recording is provided in Appendix 2.

The Mindful Practitioner 55

now of what you are experiencing, thinking, and feeling. Be aware of the movements
of your chest and belly, expanding and contracting.

b. Shift your breathing, so that you count before the in- breath, anticipating the next breath.
Count your breaths from 1 to 10, as previously, and continue breathing for a few minutes.

c. Continue breathing without the counting. Concentrate on your breathing as it flows
in and out.

d. Continue breathing and concentrate in a more focused manner. As you breathe, pay
attention to the subtle sensation on the top of your nose where your breath first enters
and leaves the body (https:// thebuddhistcentre.com).

e. Allow your thoughts to come and go without judging them, holding onto them, or
forcing them to go away.

You may want to limit distractions by finding a quiet space for meditation, or by using
comforting music. As you progress with meditation, you will develop the capacity to
tune out distractions and maintain your focus. If you want to enhance the mediation
with a virtue, identify a positive quality that you would like to cultivate in yourself, for
instance, compassion, patience, love, or gratitude. Each breath in, imagine that you are
inhaling this virtue, allowing it to flow from your nose throughout your body, to the tips
of your fingers and the tips of your toes (A. Cohen et al., 2012).

2. SHAME ON YOU: This exercise is designed to help you process feelings of shame.
Identify a behavior, a personal quality, or a past experience that makes you blush or feel
embarrassed. Write answers to the following questions:
a. As you bring your experience of shame to mind, what thoughts and feelings come to

your awareness?
b. How do your feelings of shame relate to an inconsistency between your expectations

of yourself and your actual behaviors, qualities, or experiences?
c. What needs underlie your feelings of shame?
d. How might your shame get in the way of managing conflict and improving relation-

ships with others?
e. How does your experience of shame make you feel vulnerable?
f. What could you do that would allow you to let go of the shame, accepting this behav-

ior, quality, or past experience without judgment or fear?
3. EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS: Hot buttons are issues or behaviors that trigger strong

emotional reactions such as anger and frustration. Which of the following behaviors
tend to trigger you the most: bullying, screaming, sarcasm, making excuses, avoidance,
whining, or dishonesty? What do you think is the cause of these strong reactions for
you? How might they affect the way that you help clients manage conflict? What strat-
egies could you use to avoid being reactive to these triggers? Which of the following
strategies (or others) do you think would work best to help you calm or center your-
self: meditation, positive self- talk, taking a walk, listening to soothing music, debriefing
with a colleague, or physical exercise?

4. TUNE IN: Observe a segment of a movie or television program that features a conflict.
Ensure that you watch the process leading up to the conflict, as well as what follows
the conflict. Identify the sequence of nonverbal communication between the parties.
(a) What are your direct observations? (b) How do you interpret them? (c) What are
some other possible interpretations for the observations that you made? (d) How did the
other party interpret this communication? Use the following example for your format:
• OBSERVATION 1: A vein was pulsing on Kelly’s left temple.

– INTERPRETATION: Kelly was angry at Maude.
– ALTERNATE INTERPRETATION: Kelly was hyped up from having just run
upstairs.

– OTHER PARTY: Maude did not seem to notice.

https://thebuddhistcentre.com

56 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

5. PERSONAL VALUES INVENTORY: Consider the following list of values:

— Peace — harmony

— Respect for other people — Personal privacy

— Life — Personal security

— Mental health — Physical health

— Wisdom — Mutual understanding

— Family — Financial success

— Work — Winning

— Spirituality/ religion — Law and order

— Amicable relationships — Community welfare

— Pride — Vulnerability

— Education — Other (specify) _ _ _

Rate each value by marking it as VH (value highly), VM (value moderately), or VL
(value little). Within the VH group, rank- order each value, with 1 being the highest
value, 2 the next highest, and so on.

After completing this exercise individually, negotiate a rank ordering that represents
the class’s highest five values. First, divide the class into small groups (three to five per
group), and have each group come up with its own list. When each group has reached
a consensus, have one representative from each group get together and work out a list
of values that represents the whole class. At each stage, try to work on a consensus basis
(i.e., try to build agreement among all participants). If agreement does not look possible
after 15 minutes, then use majority voting to settle differences.
Debriefing: What were the most difficult parts of this exercise? Did any of your personal rankings
change as you moved into group decision making? If so, what led to these changes?
Diarizing: Mark two dates in your calendar, one near the middle of this course and one near
the end. On each of these dates, reflect back to your values list. Consider whether any of your
values have changed, and keep track of these changes by updating the chart.

6. ETHICS OF VIOLENCE: Policies such as “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” and
“stand your ground” suggest that violence is an ethically justifiable response to violence
or threats of violence.
a. What does each of these policies actually mean?
b. What do your personal morals and beliefs say about whether and when violence may

be justified?
c. How do professional values such as protection of life, respect for the dignity and

worth of all people, peace, and collaboration mesh with policies or laws that condone
violence in response to violence?

d. What does the research say about the effectiveness of laws based on punishment,
retribution, and stand your ground?

7. PERSONAL CONFLICT RESPONSES: Assume one of your coworkers, Zoë, is lazy
and unreliable. When Zoë misses work or falls behind, Zoë’s work falls into your lap.
Your supervisor, Jamna, knows what is going on but has done nothing about it.15 Your
natural reaction would be to:
a. Do Zoë’s work and avoid getting into any conflicts.
b. Confront Zoë and Jamna in an assertive manner.
c. Get angry and blow off steam.

15 Some of the questions below are derived from Ertel (1991).

The Mindful Practitioner 57

d. Bring Zoë and Jamna together to problem- solve with you.
e. Make a deal with Zoë that if she does half her work, you’ll pick up the other half.
f. Other (specify) _ _

• What are the positive aspects of your natural response?
• What are the potential risks or problems with your natural inclinations?
• Which other responses would you like to learn to do more effectively?
• If you approached Zoë to negotiate a solution, would you see Zoë as

_ _ a friend? _ _ an adversary? _ _ a professional colleague?
_ _ the cause of the problem _ _ other? (specify) _ _

• Is your primary goal
_ _ not doing Zoë’s work? _ _ getting Zoë to do her fair share?
_ _ reaching agreement? _ _ reducing your anger?
_ _ developing a better relationship with Zoë?
_ _ improving the way in which you handle conflict with Zoë?
_ _ connecting with Zoë in a more spiritual manner?
_ _ Other? (specify) _ _

• If you decide to meet with Zoë, how would you begin?
_ _ Tell her you will not do her work?
_ _ Suggest a fair solution?
_ _ Say a prayer or opening meditation?
_ _ Tell her what you’ll do if she doesn’t agree?
_ _ Demonstrate care and understanding for her situation?
_ _ Tell her you will go to your supervisor if she does not agree?
_ _ Take the most comfortable chair?
_ _ Therapize or counsel her?
_ _ Other? (specify) _ _

• What is your basic strategy? What do you find to be the most persuasive way of
influencing people like Zoë?

8. GOLDEN RULE: The Golden Rule suggests, “Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you.” How is this lesson helpful in conflict situations? How might this lesson be
problematic? Under what circumstances would it be better to use the Platinum Rule,
“Do unto others as they would like done unto them?”

9. CULTURAL AWARENESS: Identify three cultural groups to which you belong (e.g.,
by nationality, ethnic background, race, religion, gender identity, sexual orientation, or
political affiliation). Analyze how each of these three groups deals with various issues
raised in this chapter: anger, shame, display of emotions, power, time, and use of vari-
ous communication skills. How do you think your culture affects the way you deal with
conflict? If you are not sure about your culture’s attitudes toward some of these issues,
interview relatives or others from your cultural group. For further information, con-
duct a literature search on your particular cultural groups.

10. CONFLICT STYLES IDENTIFICATION: This exercise is designed to help you iden-
tify your predominant style(s) of handling conflict. Identify three situations in which
you have been faced with a conflict: one with a family member, one with a coworker or
classmate, and one with a client. Before reading on, write down a brief description of
what happened in each situation.
a. In each of the three situations, identify the manner in which you dealt with the con-

flict: avoidance, accommodation, competition, compromise, or collaboration.
b. Are there any patterns in the way that you deal with conflict? Does it depend on the

situation? Does it matter if the other person is in a subordinate or superior position
to your own? Which conflict styles give you the greatest difficulty?

58 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

11. CONFLICT STYLE SCENARIOS: For each of the following situations, identify the
conflict style that you would use to manage the conflict. Provide reasons for selecting
the particular style.
a. You are the administrator of a social agency. You need to decide how much money

should be spent on paper clips. Some employees want fancy gold paper clips, and
some want the cheapest clips possible. The issue is contentious.

b. You are a psychotherapist working with a client who threatens to kill a family mem-
ber who shamed him. You have professional obligations to promote client self-
determination and to protect others from serious, foreseeable, and imminent harm.

c. A colleague at work wants to go to a family member’s wedding and asks you to take
his shift. You want to go to a movie that night.

d. You and your clinical supervisor are having a case conference about a terminally
ill client who wants to have her life supports removed (e.g., a ventilator and feed-
ing tube). You support a client’s right to self- determination, including passive
euthanasia. Your supervisor says she opposes passive euthanasia because life is the
highest value.

e. You are supervising a field practicum student who you believe dresses inappropri-
ately (in a faded shirt and jeans). The student believes that he should be able to come
to work dressed as he pleases.

f. Your professional association says a client has raised a complaint against you for
malpractice. You believe that you are innocent and that the client’s allegations are
unreasonable.

g. When you referred a client for HIV testing, you told her that testing is done on an
anonymous basis. After the client has gone for the test, you discover the test is not
truly anonymous. You wonder whether to tell the client because you know the client
will be furious with you.

h. The government plans to cut your elder care agency’s budget by 5 percent. You don’t
think your budget should be cut. You need to decide whether and how you will
respond to the agency.

i. You are facilitating a therapy group. One group member is constantly late, and
another says the late person should be thrown out of the group.

j. You are a corrections officer in a county jail. An offender intentionally plugs the toi-
let in his cell with toilet paper so that nobody can use it (Christian, 2015).

12. WORLD’S WORST CR: This is your opportunity to show how bad a CR professional
you can be. Write down five things that you think run counter to everything you know
so far about good CR skills. Designate one person to play a helping professional, work-
ing with a couple of newlyweds. The couple is arguing about whether to keep the toilet
seat up or down after use. The helping professional will intervene using the list of five
rotten CR skills as much as possible. Observers should take note of what strategies and
techniques the helping professional uses. Have fun with the role- play (about 5 minutes
of role- playing).

Debriefing: Refer back to the section on feedback (“Safe Classroom and Constructive
Feedback”) to refresh your memory about giving and receiving feedback. (a) Helping profes-
sional, what horrible techniques did you try to use, and how did the couple respond to them?
(b) Couple, how did you feel when the helping professional … ? (c) Observers, despite your
colleague’s best attempts at being horrible, what effective CR skills did your colleague demon-
strate? (d) All, how did you employ mindfulness to help you deal with the potential stresses of
giving and receiving feedback? Repeat the exercise with a new person taking on the helping role.

13. LISTENING: For each of the following client statements, provide an example of reflec-
tion of feeling or paraphrase:

The Mindful Practitioner 59

a. The police just barged into my apartment and started going through all my personal
stuff. I was so scared, I couldn’t say anything.

b. My son tells me that you’re always picking on him in class. He never had problems
with any of his other teachers.

c. The doctor said my tumor is malignant. Now you’re telling me that I shouldn’t worry!
d. I’ve been waiting to see you for over an hour. Don’t you think I’ve got better things

to do than waste my time hanging around your waiting room?
e. When I received your bill, I could not believe how much you are charging. There’s no

way I’m going to pay such an outrageous fee.
14. MIRRORING: To develop greater control over nonverbal skills, it is helpful to see

yourself in action. Practice in front of a mirror or on video camera (taking “selfies”).
Without using words, try to convey a range of messages: satisfied, agree, disagree, con-
cern, interest, hope, surprise, neutrality. How do you use your hands, facial expressions,
and body to convey different messages? Ask a colleague to give you feedback to see
whether the colleague interprets your messages as you intended to convey them. To see
how different people interpret different facial expressions, write down the feelings you
believe are being conveyed by each of the following emoticons:

Ask a colleague to do the same and then compare your answers. If there are differences in
your interpretations, share your reasons for why each of you interpreted the feelings in a
particular way. See if you can sort out your differences (gaining an understanding of each
other’s perceptions, rather than trying to convince your colleague that you are right).

15. I- STATEMENTS: For each of the following statements, identify the underlying mes-
sage and reframe it into an I- statement:
a. You are making me nervous.
b. You need to be more careful.
c. The problem with your idea is that you aren’t looking into the future.
d. If you cannot be reasonable, then there’s no use talking to you.
e. The best solution is to divide it in half.

16. COMPLIMENTARY CIRCLE: Giving and receiving positive feedback are underused
skills in CR. It is easy to take people for granted and embarrassing for a humble help-
ing professional to receive compliments. This exercise provides an opportunity to show
your colleagues how much you appreciate them. Everyone in the room gets into a circle.
In turn, give the person to your right a piece of positive feedback. Use the sentence stem
“What I appreciate about _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .” Recipients of compli-
ments respond by thanking the previous speaker. The instructor goes first. Take a deep
breath and strive to remain mindful of your reactions as you give and receive feedback.

17. TOUGH TALK: Identify and briefly describe an issue that you have wanted to discuss
with a friend, family member, or coworker but have avoided discussing. What are your
reasons for wanting to have this discussion? Why have you been reluctant to actually
have the discussion (what are your fears or concerns)? What are the costs of not having
this discussion? Which suggestions in this chapter could you use to help you engage
the person in this difficult conversation (Stone et al., 2010)?

18. INSPIRED RESPONSE: This exercise is intended to help you develop imaginative
responses to difficult conflict situations. Consider the following scenario: You are work-
ing in an agency that has a strict policy on client confidentiality. You are having lunch
with your supervisor, Shantell. Shantell starts sharing a story about a client. You think

60 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S

the story is hilarious but inappropriate, given that you are in a public place and every-
one in the restaurant can hear her. You want to confront your supervisor, but you’re
scared because Shantell has a reputation for being vindictive to those who criticize her.
a. How would you ordinarily respond in this situation?
b. What is a response that is opposite to how you would respond?
c. Think of a teacher whom you admire. How would this person respond?
d. Think of a comedian who you think is funny (e.g., Seth Myers, Tina Fey, Jordan Peele).

What type of humorous response might this person create for a comedy sketch?
e. Think of a spiritual leader who inspires you. How might this person respond in a

transcendent or blissful manner?
f. Looking back on each of your responses, can you think of other creative ways to

respond to this conflict?

ROLE- PLAY 1.1: “LISTENING TO ANGER”

There is trouble in Conflictia. People from Asia are very angry that they have been excluded
from the power structures in Conflictia. Asians are underrepresented in government, edu-
cation, and professional roles. Asians tend to support the left- wing Kangaroo Party, but the
rightwing Muskrat Party always seems to be in power.

The two role- players for this exercise are Amal (a person of Asian descent who has a
degree in education) and Verna (a vocational counselor at Conflictia Family Services). Amal
has come to Conflictia Family Services to help him find a job. Amal is very frustrated, believ-
ing prospective employers are rejecting him due to bigotry. During this role- play, Amal will
direct his anger at Verna. Verna’s task is to use listening skills to demonstrate empathy and
defuse the anger so the situation does not escalate into aggression or violence. For instance,
Verna can acknowledge Amal’s feelings and clarifying the behaviors or experiences behind
these feelings. To prepare for the role- play, Amal can list examples of discrimination he has
experienced and how he can convey his anger (through facial expressions, voice, and choice of
words, including insults aimed at Verna). Verna can prepare by reviewing the section on listen-
ing skills. Observers should keep track of the skills used by Verna, using the Communications
Skills Inventory in Table 1.1. After your first role- play of this situation, change roles. Have
the new person playing Verna prepare by meditating,16 using breathing techniques, taking a
moment for self- reflection, or using other mindfulness techniques prior to the role- play.

Debriefing: What emotions did Amal display? How were these emotions displayed? Give
examples of listening skills that Verna used effectively. How did Amal respond to each of these
skills? If you were Amal, what could you do (on your own) to manage or transform your anger,
prior to meeting with Verna?17 How did the use of mindfulness techniques affect Verna’s ability to
listen to Amal in the role- play?

ROLE- PLAY 1.2: “POLICIES FOR CONFLICTIA HOPE”

Being a new hospital, Conflictia Hope Medical Center needs to develop its policies and
standards of practice. An interdisciplinary team has been appointed to identify the key val-
ues to which Conflictia Hope aspires. All future policies will be based on this list.

16 Use the mediation techniques described earlier or see http:// www.meditationsociety.com for additional
techniques.

17 For example, avoid stimulants, forgive, become more spiritual, focus on your fear rather than anger (Wilmot &
Hocker, 2014), or ventilate with a friend rather than with Verna.

http://www.meditationsociety.com

The Mindful Practitioner 61

The interdisciplinary team consists of Nicolai (a nurse), Sarit (a social worker), Addison
(an administrator), Penelope (a pastoral counselor), and Phoenix (a physician). Before
going into role, all role- players should prepare a list of values based on their ascribed roles.
Reflect on the mandate and ideals of your profession. Also, consider your vision for the
agency. Which values would make Conflictia Hope an inspired place for you to work? (If
the specified roles are not familiar to you, you may change the professions to ones that are
more familiar).

Nicolai will take the lead in facilitating the discussion. Begin by creating a comprehen-
sive list of values on a chalkboard or flipchart. Let everyone have an open discussion about
the values (15 minutes). To close the discussion, ask everyone to mark asterisks (**) next
to the items they value most. Each person is entitled to put up seven asterisks and can dis-
tribute these asterisks in any combination (e.g., one asterisk for one value, six for another).
When each person has had a chance to mark seven asterisks, count the asterisks for each
value. The values with the most asterisks will repre-
sent the values with the highest priorities. Save the
results of this exercise so you may refer back to them
for exercises later in the course.

Debriefing: What were the sources of the values that
you identified during the role- play? Your family? A spe-
cific culture? Broader society? Your profession? What
types of CR are most consistent with the list of values gen-
erated by your list of values? What types of CR would not
fit? How did you decide to distribute your asterisks? What were advantages of using the asterisk
process for decision making in this case? What was problematic about it?

I do not want the peace which passeth

understanding; I want the understanding

which bringeth peace. —Helen Keller

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